Have a little faith?

I don't think there has ever been a time in my life where I felt more helpless or confused.

As an upper 20-something adult, I feel I understand myself; my way of thinking, the decisions I make, the morals/ethics I have, and my character.  I'm no Mother Teresa, and no one is perfect, but I know that I am a damn good mother.  As a kid, we think are parents are awesome if they let us have pancakes for dinner or stay up late.  As an adult we laugh when we see our little one's faces light up at such a small allowance.

 Before Addison was born I never really felt I had a purpose in life.  I worked, graduated college, and just continued to work.  Nothing to brag about or be extremely proud of.  Now, I have this little cherub that can put a smile on my face no matter how my day has gone.

But there come times when you can't help but quote that mid-90's song and say "and I scream at the top of my lungs, WHAT'S GOING ON?!?!". When it rains, it really does pour.  We all know that I've been fighting against a real piece of work for the safety and well-being of my daughter.  But truth be told, up until a couple days ago, I didn't really think I had to fight much.  I put a lot of faith into humans in general.  i tend to think that everyone has good in them, and given facts can make decent/right decisions.  But apparently, no matter what we see and know to be right doesn't matter when it comes to law.

We had a hearing Thursday.  I had filed a motion to terminate Ryan's visitation or in the alternative appoint supervisors other than his parents.  I also asked that visitation take place only in Orlando so that Addi wouldn't be stuck riding in a car for three days twice a week when she has to wear either casts on her legs or braces.  Plus, she has an extremely busy schedule and I simply find it unfair to her to add more.  She has physical therapy twice a week, special needs school Mon-Fri and and average of 14 more doctors appointments every month.  None of which Ryan attends. The last appointment he went to was 14 months ago.  I email him letting him know when they all are and yet he is never there.  So, we go into court.  Tell the judge all of this.  Ryan gives testimony saying he has not been to any, that he feel uncomfortable going because i am mean to him in front of doctors (i actually have written notes from nurses stating how he harasses ME at appointments).  So because of that, he wont go.  He won't suck it up and be a part of Addison's care.  His mom ends up giving her testimony.  It's quite frankly gold for me.  She claims to have no idea what is medically wrong with Addison and has no clue at all how to care for her.  She claims the reason for that is because she has never been invited to Addison's doctors appointments.  She also never asked if she could go.  she even admitted that she helped Ryan violate his probation.  Ryan was on probation for possession of child pornography and was not allowed to be around any child under the age of 18. Well, when Addison was born, we lived together of course.  His mother claimed since it was his kid that she didn't see a problem with it.

Here's the result:  It is mandatory for Ryan to attend Addison's appointments unless he has a documented excuse.  If he does not go, then he has 24 hours to make an appointment with her doctor and learn about what was said.  He gets to have her every Saturday and one day a week after school until 8.  And his parents who have helped him break the law and don't have a clue how to care for Addi and have not shown any interest what-so-ever still get to supervise. 

Like I said, I had faith that a judge would see all this neglect, see the lack of interest, see that he gets off watching little girls get sexually abused, see his disregard for any laws/rules, and see that his parents are enablers. Now what?  I think the only thing I have faith in now is that nice guys really do finish last.  The sickest of them all can still win.  I feel like I should start saving now for all the additional therapy my daughter will need. 

Its like a nightmare.  One I could never have imagined.  I live with my parents so I can afford to pay my attorney. Ryan lives in daytona where his parents buy him a condo and pay for him to go to embry riddle to make him happy.  I work at night as a server so I can be at every single doctors appointment and therapy and drive Addi to her special needs school every day. Ryan doesn't work.  His parents pay for everything.  he doesn't go to any appointments.  He also claimed during his testimony that Addi only has one disability. She has MANY.  He now gets to have Addison on my days off.  I no longer have a whole day off with her.  How? How did this happen? I feel like I'm just the work horse now.  Addison's success is in thanks to my care; all the running around I do and sacrifices I have made.  Yet, I no longer get to have fun with my little girl? HE gets that?!

I can't help but ask, 'What has happened to today's society? What kind of a world are we living in where men who  view kiddie porn and their enablers get to be with a child? what kind of world practically punishes the hard working but rewards the lazy?'.  More importantly though, how can we change this? Thursday, blew my mind, and frankly, its four days later and I'm still in shock.  I refuse to sit back and let this happen again.  I'll be damned if the most precious thing in my life is going to be harmed in any way.  And I will not let her go through having to see just how little her father cares about her.  She's handicapped, isn't that enough?

If there are any suggestions, I welcome them.

Chapter 12: What if?

What if...

What if I never met ryan. Then where would I be? I wouldn't have addi.. That's about all I know. I imagine I would still be in Tampa. Maybe serving still? I don't know. Before I had Addison I was focused on becoming a teacher. I already had a degree in graphic design, but after subbing at a friends school, I realized how rewarding it was working with children. Maybe that's where I would be. But would my life really have purpose? When Addison was born, I felt like I understood why I was put on this earth. Up until then I felt worthless.
Lately though, I've kind of felt the same. Addison is my life, the love and light of it, so don't misunderstand me.
But I've recently decided to finally seek counseling. Funny enough, I've been less stressed and even more confident with the whole ryan/legal thing. But I feel like now it's time I establish who I am.
What I've learned by going is that I am codependent. Meaning, for me, that I've put others before myself. I haven't completely done what I want or when I want because I'm constantly concerned about who I'll upset or what someone else might want instead. Well, no more.
My life is beyond busy and is quite exhausting. I take addi to a special needs school two days a week, physical therapy another day, and an orthopedist another. Add in a possible prosthesis appointment here and there, physiatrist, and pediatrician. Then, I work 5-6 nights a week. I also try to work out 4-5 days a week. Can you say crazy schedule?! So where is my time to relax?

    Well, I haven't taken any time. Even in dating I'd give up whatever free time I had left.   But there I was again being codependent. The small amount of free time I had was going to someone else. So now, I'm adament about ME. I've had time to just collect my thoughts, make a plan for my life, save money and hopefully get into a home for just Addi and I and more importantly a routine. I feel like once these things are accomplished then I can truly be happy. Then, maybe there will be room to let another life in.  I can't lie, i see everyone on FB getting married and having babies and being in these beautiful relationships and I wish it was me too.  Not because i can't find someone, but because I feel like I'm not there yet.  I'm actually afraid of myself, of the decisions I make.  It's funny though, because I get compliments all the time about what a great mom I am, and what a great catch I am. But it's very difficult to see when you've been through what I have.  Ryan told me every single day how much he loved me and how beautiful I am.  Yet, he chose gambling and prostitutes over me.  This is where I'm scarred. This is where I hope counseling will help.  I want so badly to believe the compliments I receive. 
    My life certainly hit rock bottom in the past 2 years.  But I think I'm beginning to start a new.  I'm less obsessed with all the legal stuff and getting rid of Ryan, and more in tune with the way things are going to work out.  Yes, I hope Addi no longer has to be around the Lawrence assholes, but a judge will rule in a way that I have no control over and I'll just have to deal with that.  So, now I'm working on going back to school and getting another degree so I can work a job that will provide enough and still give the flexibility to take Addi to all her appointments.  Once we get a house, consistent income, and a routine, I truly think I will have overcome my trauma.  Ryan took my life, I'm getting it back.