What if...
What if I never met ryan. Then where would I be? I wouldn't have addi.. That's about all I know. I imagine I would still be in Tampa. Maybe serving still? I don't know. Before I had Addison I was focused on becoming a teacher. I already had a degree in graphic design, but after subbing at a friends school, I realized how rewarding it was working with children. Maybe that's where I would be. But would my life really have purpose? When Addison was born, I felt like I understood why I was put on this earth. Up until then I felt worthless.
Lately though, I've kind of felt the same. Addison is my life, the love and light of it, so don't misunderstand me.
But I've recently decided to finally seek counseling. Funny enough, I've been less stressed and even more confident with the whole ryan/legal thing. But I feel like now it's time I establish who I am.
What I've learned by going is that I am codependent. Meaning, for me, that I've put others before myself. I haven't completely done what I want or when I want because I'm constantly concerned about who I'll upset or what someone else might want instead. Well, no more.
My life is beyond busy and is quite exhausting. I take addi to a special needs school two days a week, physical therapy another day, and an orthopedist another. Add in a possible prosthesis appointment here and there, physiatrist, and pediatrician. Then, I work 5-6 nights a week. I also try to work out 4-5 days a week. Can you say crazy schedule?! So where is my time to relax?
Well, I haven't taken any time. Even in dating I'd give up whatever free time I had left. But there I was again being codependent. The small amount of free time I had was going to someone else. So now, I'm adament about ME. I've had time to just collect my thoughts, make a plan for my life, save money and hopefully get into a home for just Addi and I and more importantly a routine. I feel like once these things are accomplished then I can truly be happy. Then, maybe there will be room to let another life in. I can't lie, i see everyone on FB getting married and having babies and being in these beautiful relationships and I wish it was me too. Not because i can't find someone, but because I feel like I'm not there yet. I'm actually afraid of myself, of the decisions I make. It's funny though, because I get compliments all the time about what a great mom I am, and what a great catch I am. But it's very difficult to see when you've been through what I have. Ryan told me every single day how much he loved me and how beautiful I am. Yet, he chose gambling and prostitutes over me. This is where I'm scarred. This is where I hope counseling will help. I want so badly to believe the compliments I receive.
My life certainly hit rock bottom in the past 2 years. But I think I'm beginning to start a new. I'm less obsessed with all the legal stuff and getting rid of Ryan, and more in tune with the way things are going to work out. Yes, I hope Addi no longer has to be around the Lawrence assholes, but a judge will rule in a way that I have no control over and I'll just have to deal with that. So, now I'm working on going back to school and getting another degree so I can work a job that will provide enough and still give the flexibility to take Addi to all her appointments. Once we get a house, consistent income, and a routine, I truly think I will have overcome my trauma. Ryan took my life, I'm getting it back.
