Chapter 9: Lie to me, baby

Sometimes I wonder if I have PTSD. I have flash backs on a very regular basis.  It's almost like he is a ghost just constantly haunting me.
 
I was thinking about what is currently going on in our case today.  Ryan was supposed to submit his financial information quite some time ago and of course has not.  When we went to mediation back in January we discussed child support.  Prior to this mediation Ryan claimed he was making $5,900 o month. When he showed up in January, he claimed his parents changed his income to $4,000 a month.  Suspicious? You bet.  When Ryan and I got a house together his parents supposedly raised his pay so we could better afford it.  When we were at mediation he claimed they lowered it because the house was sold.  Well his pay was lowered in November.  The house, according to online records, didn't sell until the end of February.  Ryan and I were arguing not too long ago and in so many words I accused him of not really caring about Addison.  His response was since he is now paying child support clearly he cares about her.  Some, most, of the things that escape his mouth blow my mind.  I never realized the ability to write a check, one that is muc less than it should be, made someone a good parent.
 
The flashback that occured because of this was one hat happend not all that long after Addi was born.  ryan was attending classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays at USF...supposedly of course.  He would usually text me in between classes or evenwhile he was in them.  One day, I couldn't get a hold him..at all.  He wouldn't respond to anything.  Even his parents called me asking where he was.  An hour after he should have been home, he calls.  I of course flipped.  At this point I already knew that he had been on Craig's List.  So the worse possible thoughts were going through my head.  He told me that he skipped class that day and went to the Hard Rock casino instead and played poker all day.  He said he won a bunch of money and that he was on his way home.  Let me make this clear: I HATE MONEY.  I only care to pay my bills and give Addison everything I possibly can.  I only care about family, love, and being happy.  It honestly killed me that he didn't tell me what he was going to do.  It hurt even more that he decided gambling would be more enjoyable then spending time with his family.  I voiced all these feelings to him.  I also told him that I really didn't believe he was playing poker the whole time. I asked him specifically if he had met up with a craig's list hooker.  He freaked and told me he never has and never will.  He then proceeded to cry and tell me how he felt about ever having done that to me.  He told me he was about to committ suicide and drive his car off the road...
 
...Looking back on this, I wish i hadn't talked him out of it. Honestly.  At that time Itold him he was selfish and how could he even think about doing such a thing to his daughter.  Truth be told, Addison would be better off without him.  I know every child should have the opportunity to know both parents.  But if one of them has nothing positive, nothing but possible harm to bring, then why should the child be subjected to that?
 
I later found that Ryan had been going to the Hard Rock fairly regularly.  We had a joint bank account which I never looked at.  I wouls ask if he was putting our money aside into savings and believed him when he said yes.  I was waiting for a new check card to come in the mail at the time, so when I saw a letter from BB&T I assumed it was the card and opened the letter.  There was no card,but there was a bank statement.  $5 in savings. WTF?? I started looking over the statement.  $400 withdrawn here and there at the casino.  He had spent around $1200 at the Hard Rock over a period of about a month.  Here's the thing about Ryan, he loves money.  It's all he cares about.  So if he's losing it, he'll stop.  Here's the other thing about Ryan, he desperatly wants people to like him and think he's a big deal.  So he loves to act like he has lots of money, a disposable income.  My guess is that all that money wasn't spent on playing poker.  In previous Craig's List ads that I saw of his, he was willing to spend so much as $300 an hour to have these women do various things.  I'm convinced that I was probably cheated on many occasions...
These flash backs are simply infuriating to me.  I'm pissed that I didn't put a nail in the coffin sooner.  I'm pissed that I am having to fight so hard to keep Addison safe from this man.  Keep her from getting hurt by him or even worse, turning out like him.  He doesn't want her. It's obvious.  He didn't even spend time with her when we lived under the same roof.  I wish he would just give up.  I wish I had let him drive his car off the road that day.  Addison would be better off..

Chapter8: Everything Truly does happen for a reason

If i had a dime for every time I've asked the question "why is this happening to me?" I'd be rich.

Instead, I'm broke, unhappy with my job, and battling a constant struggle to keep it together.  I am, however, finally realizing why things are the way that they are.  Years ago, I had many friends pass away.  And at that time I couldn't grasp the reason why God was letting this happen.  I'm still not entirely sure, but I think it was to make me stronger, to prepare me for the war that I am now fighting.  I used to fight with Ryan because he was absent. I would try to make him a better father and fiance.  I would try to make him wake up and see how easy he had it and how lucky he was to have such a beautiful daughter and a woman who did everything for him.  A woman/man shouldn't have to point these things out.  I understand we as humans tend to take things for granted in life but life should never be taken for granted.  My father almost died 3 years ago. The doctor said it was a miracle he made it.  These things don't just happen.  God knew my mother and I needed him.  He knew my life was going to turn upside down  and that i would need my dad. 

I've often wondered why I ever met Ryan. Why did I have to meet a man that was so evil and full of lies...a damn criminal... Because i met him, I have the most beautiful baby ever.  My daughter brings me a joy that I will never be able to fully explain...A love that could never be duplicated.  It hurt so much when I left her father.  Not because of the pain he put me through, but because of the pain I could only foresee her experiencing and as she gets older.  He has missed so many doctors appointments for her and forgets about so many others.  I don't understand what kind of a parent  does that.  But luckily for Addison, she has so many people in her life that love her so much.

I completey get why I met Ryan now.  I have the little girl I always dreamed about.  I have my father still in my life and now hers.  And now i have the opportunity to have true love.  Yes, things are a bit backwards, but so worth it.  I had a dream the night before i left Ryan.  I was watching myself in it.  I was in a house having friends over.  I was serving some food at the table and a man came up behind me and hugged and kissed me. I had a smile like I've never had.  I had a look of love that I didn't know existed.  For quite some time I've felt that sort of thing is impossible. But I've learned so much in the past few months. I have friends that show Addi more attention and love than her own father ever has.  It's sad and my heart breaks for her.  But it's ok.  A child just needs love. It doesn't matter where it comes from as long as it's there. 

Thank you everyone for your love and support.  Thank you for being my friends and family and lending a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen.  Thank you for showing Addi and I love...the true meaning of it.