If i had a dime for every time I've asked the question "why is this happening to me?" I'd be rich.
Instead, I'm broke, unhappy with my job, and battling a constant struggle to keep it together. I am, however, finally realizing why things are the way that they are. Years ago, I had many friends pass away. And at that time I couldn't grasp the reason why God was letting this happen. I'm still not entirely sure, but I think it was to make me stronger, to prepare me for the war that I am now fighting. I used to fight with Ryan because he was absent. I would try to make him a better father and fiance. I would try to make him wake up and see how easy he had it and how lucky he was to have such a beautiful daughter and a woman who did everything for him. A woman/man shouldn't have to point these things out. I understand we as humans tend to take things for granted in life but life should never be taken for granted. My father almost died 3 years ago. The doctor said it was a miracle he made it. These things don't just happen. God knew my mother and I needed him. He knew my life was going to turn upside down and that i would need my dad.
I've often wondered why I ever met Ryan. Why did I have to meet a man that was so evil and full of lies...a damn criminal... Because i met him, I have the most beautiful baby ever. My daughter brings me a joy that I will never be able to fully explain...A love that could never be duplicated. It hurt so much when I left her father. Not because of the pain he put me through, but because of the pain I could only foresee her experiencing and as she gets older. He has missed so many doctors appointments for her and forgets about so many others. I don't understand what kind of a parent does that. But luckily for Addison, she has so many people in her life that love her so much.
I completey get why I met Ryan now. I have the little girl I always dreamed about. I have my father still in my life and now hers. And now i have the opportunity to have true love. Yes, things are a bit backwards, but so worth it. I had a dream the night before i left Ryan. I was watching myself in it. I was in a house having friends over. I was serving some food at the table and a man came up behind me and hugged and kissed me. I had a smile like I've never had. I had a look of love that I didn't know existed. For quite some time I've felt that sort of thing is impossible. But I've learned so much in the past few months. I have friends that show Addi more attention and love than her own father ever has. It's sad and my heart breaks for her. But it's ok. A child just needs love. It doesn't matter where it comes from as long as it's there.
Thank you everyone for your love and support. Thank you for being my friends and family and lending a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. Thank you for showing Addi and I love...the true meaning of it.
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