Chapter 11: He's a victim, now I'm one..Who's next?

  I just spent quite a bit of time at a book store reading all kinds of psychological books.  I had to make myself stop because I actually started to feel bad for Ryan and his brother.  I'll be honest, I'm fueled by anger and passion completely.  The last thing I want to do is let my guard down.  So I picked up a book called The Boy who was Raised as a Dog.  It's different stories about children who have been traumatized in different ways.  As I read the stories I paid close attention to the behavior of their actions as they grew older.  They all experienced depression, anxiety, fear, and low self worth.  Ryan has had three psychological evaluations in the last 4 years.  The most important was the last, the psycho-sexual exam.  As mentioned before, it was more than important that he have this done if he was to be allowed around Addison.  As we know, it said he has no risk of sexually abusing Addi.  Just says he needs to be supervised.  He's been granted temporary supervision by his parents.  I can spend hours, reading all Ryan's reports, reading about all his crimes, and want to vomit while I do it.  But I can't read about his parents.  There's nothing.  From what I see, no arrests or anything.  Isn't it safe to say though that children are a product of their environment?  The report he had done while he was incarcerated stated that he has signs of PTSD.  His last evaluation does not say that, however mentions all of his symptoms...which are that of PTSD. 

fear, worry, sadness, anger, feeling alone and apart from others, feeling as if people are looking down on them, low self-worth, and not being able to trust others

behaviors such as aggression, out-of-place sexual behavior, self-harm, and abuse of drugs or alcohol

There was a night when I packed my bags.  I had looked at Ryan's email and discovered he had been talking with prostitutes for a very long time.  I had had it.  I confronted him when he got home.  He completely freaked out crying and begging me not to leave.  He then started expressing fear.  He stated that Addi was the only good thing he had ever done and also said something interesting.  At that time I knew he was on probation.  He told me it was because he got caught with marijuana.  He starting crying and saying how afraid he was to go back to jail.  I was so confused.  I calmed him down and reassured him that it would never happen because he's not smoking pot.  So why was he worried about going back?

Of course we know the answer now.  Was it maybe not his idea to hide his real criminal history from me? Was it the parents?  He obviously knew he was breaking the law by being near Addison.  They all did.

Addison has so much going on right now.  She's i speech therapy once a week.  I've asked Ryan countless times to learn baby sign language and he has not.  I've said it in front of his supervisors on purpose so that maybe they will help.  They have not.  None of them attend her prosthetics appointments.  Didn't even attend her wheel chair fitting. And he is consistently late with child support. These "supervisors" of his, his parents, how are they helping?  I thought that's what they are supposed to be there for.  Their son has needed help for years.  When he was arrested back in 2007 he saw a psychologist.  According to the report, Ryan was recommended any help.  Fast forward to now.  He can't be alone with his daughter, he violated his probation on 4 counts, and since then has committed tax fraud, wire tapping and doesn't pay support.  All crimes.  Where the fuck are his parents?!?!

I am a victim of a sociopath. Correction, sociopaths.  My hardship is moving from a town I loved, attorney fees out the ass, working at night instead of a 9-5 so I can attend all my daughter's doctors appointments and spend all day teaching her, and sharing a bedroom with a barely 2 year old.  This is nothing.  One day maybe I'll move somewhere I love.  One day those fees will end.  I love spending all day with my daughter, and I love waking up every morning to hearing her yell "MAMA!!!!" at me across the room from her crib. 

 My life is beautiful because I have an amazing family and support system and the most wonderful daughter. 
Addison's life is wonderful because she has amazing family and all my friends.  She even has the hearts of the strangers she meets at the grocery store.

What will she have when she is traumatized?...the common conclusion of a person like Ryan that exhibits his traits is childhood sexual abuse.  Ryan's parents don't hold a criminal record, but Ryan and his brother are living proof of one.  I'm fighting. Hard...

Chapter 10: 1 to 365

This past August 27th was exactly one year since I left Ryan.  I honestly can't believe it's been that long already.

  Funny enough, I feel a lot better, yet still feel lost.  I left a life of loneliness, wonder, sadness, and a life I didn't have much control over.  Now, I am free from him and his family having the almighty decision, but because I chose to be so blind or live in denial, I no longer trust myself.  I know when it comes to Addison I am doing everything great.  But in my life, I question it all.  I question my friends, my family, and even the guests that come into my work.  I actually wonder how well I am functioning.  I fear that people who don't even know me see just how fucked up I am.  Back in December Ryan and I had a hearing.  He wanted to be able to attend Addison's surgery that she was having since he had not seen her since being in jail.  I also wanted a psychologist to perform a psycho-sexual evaluation on him because of his crimes.  The judge we had was all over the place that day.  She condemned him half a dozen times yet allowed him to have supervised visitation by his parents.  In the same breath that she said he needed to be evaluated, she said since the court didnn't know anything about me, that I should have a basic eval. fine.

   So his eval was exactly as we expected.  He's a sick bastard that's mentally screwed up beyond belief. (As the doctor put it in oh-so-many words) ha ha.  Mine came out saying that I'm doing surprisingly well considering everything I have been through.  It said I'm an exellant mother andperfectly fit to take care of Addison.  However, it said I have mild depresson (situational) anxiety (situational) and paranoia (also situational).  I can't believe a person can effect one's life in such a way that it causes these things.  Alas, it's true. Things we experience in life can permenantly taint a person.  I'm pissed that I feel the way I do.  I would love to be able to live my daily life without question. I mean it's bad enough that I live with the guilt for what all of this is doing to my family, now i have trust issues too? Ugh...

 On the brighter side, I think things are getting better..or at least looking like they will.  I have a good job and recently got a promotion that I'll start training for soon.  Addi is in her prosthetics and doing exceptionally well.  Her pink wheel chair should be done by the end of this month =) And Ryan is doing everything he possibly can to hurt any chance of the judge finding him to be a decent person/dad.  He has not attended a single doctor's visit in months.  Not even her wheel chair appointments or prosthetics appointments.  Addison has speech therapy every week and he does not even bother to ask what he needs to know.  I told him over a month ago that Addi is learning baby sign language and that he needs to learn too.  At his last visitation I asked him if he had.  He said NO and that he would just look it up on YOUTUBE!...not at all a reliable site. In addition to all that, he was so delinquent on child support that his lisence was about to be suspended.  His most recent?...WIRETAPPING...For those of you that don't know, recording someone without their consent in the state of florida is illegal.  It would appear as though he misses wearing that bright orange jumpsuit and those shiny bracelets...ha ha.  All of this of course helps Addison and I. 

  I wish more than anything that he was a good father however. I dread the day when Addison figures out just how little interest he has in her.  I can only imagine the pain it will cause.  So I'm hoping for one of two things to happen.  A) the judge realizes what a waste he is to her life and gives me sole custody or B) He just goes away.  Either way then, I can just make up some lie to her later.  I could tell her that he died in a bad accident or tell her that he's saving sick orphans in another country or something.  I would honestly rather her think those lies than let her live knowing what selfish scum he is. Could you imagine finding out your dad has a criminal history involving child porn?! Oh the therapy.....