This past August 27th was exactly one year since I left Ryan. I honestly can't believe it's been that long already.
Funny enough, I feel a lot better, yet still feel lost. I left a life of loneliness, wonder, sadness, and a life I didn't have much control over. Now, I am free from him and his family having the almighty decision, but because I chose to be so blind or live in denial, I no longer trust myself. I know when it comes to Addison I am doing everything great. But in my life, I question it all. I question my friends, my family, and even the guests that come into my work. I actually wonder how well I am functioning. I fear that people who don't even know me see just how fucked up I am. Back in December Ryan and I had a hearing. He wanted to be able to attend Addison's surgery that she was having since he had not seen her since being in jail. I also wanted a psychologist to perform a psycho-sexual evaluation on him because of his crimes. The judge we had was all over the place that day. She condemned him half a dozen times yet allowed him to have supervised visitation by his parents. In the same breath that she said he needed to be evaluated, she said since the court didnn't know anything about me, that I should have a basic eval. fine.
So his eval was exactly as we expected. He's a sick bastard that's mentally screwed up beyond belief. (As the doctor put it in oh-so-many words) ha ha. Mine came out saying that I'm doing surprisingly well considering everything I have been through. It said I'm an exellant mother andperfectly fit to take care of Addison. However, it said I have mild depresson (situational) anxiety (situational) and paranoia (also situational). I can't believe a person can effect one's life in such a way that it causes these things. Alas, it's true. Things we experience in life can permenantly taint a person. I'm pissed that I feel the way I do. I would love to be able to live my daily life without question. I mean it's bad enough that I live with the guilt for what all of this is doing to my family, now i have trust issues too? Ugh...
On the brighter side, I think things are getting better..or at least looking like they will. I have a good job and recently got a promotion that I'll start training for soon. Addi is in her prosthetics and doing exceptionally well. Her pink wheel chair should be done by the end of this month =) And Ryan is doing everything he possibly can to hurt any chance of the judge finding him to be a decent person/dad. He has not attended a single doctor's visit in months. Not even her wheel chair appointments or prosthetics appointments. Addison has speech therapy every week and he does not even bother to ask what he needs to know. I told him over a month ago that Addi is learning baby sign language and that he needs to learn too. At his last visitation I asked him if he had. He said NO and that he would just look it up on YOUTUBE!...not at all a reliable site. In addition to all that, he was so delinquent on child support that his lisence was about to be suspended. His most recent?...WIRETAPPING...For those of you that don't know, recording someone without their consent in the state of florida is illegal. It would appear as though he misses wearing that bright orange jumpsuit and those shiny bracelets...ha ha. All of this of course helps Addison and I.
I wish more than anything that he was a good father however. I dread the day when Addison figures out just how little interest he has in her. I can only imagine the pain it will cause. So I'm hoping for one of two things to happen. A) the judge realizes what a waste he is to her life and gives me sole custody or B) He just goes away. Either way then, I can just make up some lie to her later. I could tell her that he died in a bad accident or tell her that he's saving sick orphans in another country or something. I would honestly rather her think those lies than let her live knowing what selfish scum he is. Could you imagine finding out your dad has a criminal history involving child porn?! Oh the therapy.....
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