How is she this smart??

Kids.  They will challenge you like no other!! Mine blows my mind with the things she says all the time.

But what about the things they DON'T say?  For the longest time, Addison really couldn't speak.  She was born with a cleft palette that caused a lot of fluid and build up in her ears so she ended up barely hearing at all until she was one.  So she missed out on a lot of language.  Since then shes been in speech therapy.  She's five years old now and now sometimes I miss the old days. haha..

But in all seriousness, since she's able to ask questions, express her needs and convey her thoughts, I feel like I'm really seeing into the world of Addison.  I'm finding that for the past 5 years, she has always been paying attention.  Just because she couldn't talk, didn't mean that over the past few years she couldn't hear or feel.  She will randomly point out that I am happy.  And not because I am smiling.  Because she feels it.

So what else does she feel/see/hear?  The answer is, Reality.  She expressed to me the other day that she knows who her dad is, and that he's her dad.  But what had me floored is that she also knows who her "best daddies" are.  Kids watch TV and read books.  None of those promote dead beats...lets be honest.  So she sees these dads who are around their children all the time, teaching them right from wrong, giving them the love and attention that we all need.  She was just so...matter of fact about it.  She didn't seem sad and she didn't mention her dad again either.  In fact, she never does.  I get her really pumped up before she sees him, and then she seems happy, but she usually just asks if he's going to buy her a present.  So am I to assume then that that's all he is to her? Is she saddened by this? I'm afraid to ask.  But she certainly hasn't shown me any negativity about the situation.  She loves the men she considers her father figures.  I'm just happy that she isn't confused by it.  I think that's the part that freaks me out.  She understands what's going on.  She's only 5, how is she so with it?  And then that statement brings another concern.  My child is only 5.  Her thoughts shouldn't be about who she feels the daddy love from.  The only things that should be going through her mind are which toys she wants to play with next.

The fact that Addison doesn't have the proverbial "normal" family dynamic does actually sadden me.  I had such an incredible childhood with two loving parents that were always there for me, guiding me.  I am soo incredibly blessed to have grown up the way I did.  All I can do now is my best.  I hate that I work the hours I do, but it's what needs to be done in order to be available for all her appointments.  I pray that I am teaching her the obvious right and wrong, but teaching her how to be the best person she can.  If she does hear about some of the madness that goes on thanks to her dad, I hope that all she takes from that is that it's not her fault.  It is 100% the action of her dad that has caused this situation.

I can only imagine what she will think one day when she discovers his criminal history.  Can you imagine finding out that you've spent years around a criminal? And only because the court made you? I'd be pretty upset.  I'm sure Addi will be.

Revenge

This Crazy Life.  I don’t think I could have chosen a more fitting title for this blog.  The only thing crazy that would shock me is if I were to win the lottery. ..

                Throughout the past 5 years, I’ve thought, “this is it, the end” so many times.  A hearing takes place, it ends in my favor, and then I can move on with my life.  I know by now, that it will never end.  Not until my little Addi Bear turns 18.  Then who knows what else will be happening.  I keep hoping that one day Addison’s father and his family will wake up and realize that everything they do hurts her.  Her dad has admitted that he doesn’t want her.  But that his parents do.  So the only way he will sign over his rights is if I give his parents adoptive rights.  If they cared at all about Addi, they would end their desire to indefinitely litigate, and just go away.  Leave her alone.  Let her enjoy a life surrounded by those who truly love her.  They are all so full of hate and malice that they think they are hurting me by protracting out this case.  They think I will roll over and give up because of money.  I will not.  Wake up and realize something: you are not taking money from me. You are taking it from Addison.  Over $100k spent. Just think what Addison could have! A house, fully equipped to accommodate her special needs, better clothes, healthier foods…even more time spent with her mommy so she doesn’t have to work every day of the week. How about a vacation for her?? Because let me tell you, two weeks spent in West Palm so she can attend physical therapy with her surgeon, is NO vacation.  What’s the moral of this rant? Think parents.  Think about your children and what’s best for them.  Revenge will get you nowhere. “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves”-Confucius

Darkness...but for whom?

Cold, empty and blind. Like an all consuming succubus.  Day feels like night, though sometimes I wish it actually was night so i could just wake up and pray it's all a nightmare and a new day is here.  I find myself feeling like I'm trapped in a cold dark cave all alone with no light.  These feelings used to be very frequent.  Once in a while they arise, but then I see my incredible little girl.  She is my light.  One would imagine being a single mom to a handicapped little girl would be the hardest thing.  It's not.  Or is it?

Here's what frustrates me most about all the crap that involves Ryan.  I have to spend so much damn time obtaining documents for my attorney or planning on hearings or finding info out that I feel like it takes away from my most important focus: My daughter.  for example, today I only had to work the dinner shift.  So i was excited to play games with Addi and give some much needed attention.  But no, i had to spend my time discovering more lies made by her useless "dad." And yes, I HAD to do this.  I don't waste my time looking for things.  My time is consumed by ensuring Addison is well taken care of in every aspect.  But when Ryan claims he needs proof that Addison is disabled in order to continue Cobra coverage ans says the only way to do this is by an SSI form, then work has to be done.  Of course I provided him everything I could over a month ago, but i'm still being harassed. back when all this came up i told him to call Addison's primary doctor to obtain a letter.  he claimed they wouldn't do it and that it had to be SSI.  So what do you think I did? I called Cobra of course. It DOESN'T has to be an SSI form. it CAN be from her doctor.  So i called her doctor. and of COURSE she could do it!!!  Maybe this doesnt sound like a big deal to you, but it's constant. Not to mention, it costs me money in legal fees because ryan hides behind his attorney to do his arguing.. 

Wait, did I say Ryan? yeah....about that.  Here's what youve all been waiting for.  The crazy shit.  

Dave, Ryan's dad, has decided to moonlight as his son.  That's right.  In fact, did you know you can trace any email? It's super easy.  So, for quite some time, I traced every single one from "Ryan." he lives in Utah. so how come they all came from his dads office in Tampa or his dads house in Apollo beach?  And lets not forget how crazy Ryan is.  He can't put any thoughts together so the emails are very different.  It's more than obvious when his dad writes them.  But hey, writing emails on behalf of your pschopath son isn't THAT bad, right? Well, how about calling Addison's doctors' office, telling them you are Ryan, Addison's dad, and instructing them to remove the mothers address from the account and replacing it with.....you guessed it! DAVE'S!!! Not criminal enough for ya? Man you're a tough crowd to please... OK how about this one??..

I have been awarded with Sole parental responsibility and sole decision making.  Basically meaning, i do it all, decided it all, Ryan just gets supervised visitation once a month and has to pay child support and carry addisons primary insurance coverage. Basically, not anything parental or responsible about it. So, as the only ones who cares for Addison I should certainly have access to said insurance, correct? DUH. For a year, Ryan has denied me the available online log in to her insurane. This is because they are on the same plan and I would see his info as well.  I couldnt care less about his! I already know he's nuts! Anyways, after a recent, VERY long hearing, our judge said he had better give me the log in.  So he did.  But wait, who do you think is listed as the contact on there? DAVE.  So just in case I've lost you...Dave has access to my daughter's info but I don't? Well, I don't recall ever giving permission for that... So of course, I removed him.  But what do you think happend next? Oh yes, the mother of Addison, the one who has all the rights and is the only one who cares for her, gets removed and replaced by Dave again. 

Um, does anyone else find this Orange jumpsuit worthy??? Yeah, it is indeed criminal.  He has violated a court order, violated my daughters' HIPPA rights and lets not forget fraud and forgery.  

So, back to where we began.  Above is just a snapshot of the minussa I deal with oh-so-regularly.  So you can see why I have a hard time saying that it's hard to parent a handicapped child when i am constantly clouded by immoral beings that only live to violate laws and make attempts to harm me.  They think that they will just keep litigating this case until they have bled myself and my family dry of financial resources.  Well I have news for you, the court has most recently ordered that they pay attorney fees to me.  It's more than clear that ALL these hearing that have been had, and money spent has stemmed from them.  Frankly, all they care about is "winning" something or beating me. Whatever.

I don't have any darkness anymore. None at all in fact. Dealing with all that shit is most certainly annoying.  But what do I have?  I have a daughter.  I have a beautiful one that tells me evey single day that she loves me.  That begs me not to go to work because she will miss me.  I get to see her little cherub face every day.  I get to hold her and enjoy what being a parent is all about.  This is life.  I never knew my purpose in life until she entered into it.  I've never felt so much joy.  halloween used to be about finding an awesome costume and going to the best parties.  Now I'm far more excited about finding Addison the costume she really wants and just seeing the smile on her face when she's had the best time ever.  Not being a part of that...THAT'S darkness.  

Have a little faith?

I don't think there has ever been a time in my life where I felt more helpless or confused.

As an upper 20-something adult, I feel I understand myself; my way of thinking, the decisions I make, the morals/ethics I have, and my character.  I'm no Mother Teresa, and no one is perfect, but I know that I am a damn good mother.  As a kid, we think are parents are awesome if they let us have pancakes for dinner or stay up late.  As an adult we laugh when we see our little one's faces light up at such a small allowance.

 Before Addison was born I never really felt I had a purpose in life.  I worked, graduated college, and just continued to work.  Nothing to brag about or be extremely proud of.  Now, I have this little cherub that can put a smile on my face no matter how my day has gone.

But there come times when you can't help but quote that mid-90's song and say "and I scream at the top of my lungs, WHAT'S GOING ON?!?!". When it rains, it really does pour.  We all know that I've been fighting against a real piece of work for the safety and well-being of my daughter.  But truth be told, up until a couple days ago, I didn't really think I had to fight much.  I put a lot of faith into humans in general.  i tend to think that everyone has good in them, and given facts can make decent/right decisions.  But apparently, no matter what we see and know to be right doesn't matter when it comes to law.

We had a hearing Thursday.  I had filed a motion to terminate Ryan's visitation or in the alternative appoint supervisors other than his parents.  I also asked that visitation take place only in Orlando so that Addi wouldn't be stuck riding in a car for three days twice a week when she has to wear either casts on her legs or braces.  Plus, she has an extremely busy schedule and I simply find it unfair to her to add more.  She has physical therapy twice a week, special needs school Mon-Fri and and average of 14 more doctors appointments every month.  None of which Ryan attends. The last appointment he went to was 14 months ago.  I email him letting him know when they all are and yet he is never there.  So, we go into court.  Tell the judge all of this.  Ryan gives testimony saying he has not been to any, that he feel uncomfortable going because i am mean to him in front of doctors (i actually have written notes from nurses stating how he harasses ME at appointments).  So because of that, he wont go.  He won't suck it up and be a part of Addison's care.  His mom ends up giving her testimony.  It's quite frankly gold for me.  She claims to have no idea what is medically wrong with Addison and has no clue at all how to care for her.  She claims the reason for that is because she has never been invited to Addison's doctors appointments.  She also never asked if she could go.  she even admitted that she helped Ryan violate his probation.  Ryan was on probation for possession of child pornography and was not allowed to be around any child under the age of 18. Well, when Addison was born, we lived together of course.  His mother claimed since it was his kid that she didn't see a problem with it.

Here's the result:  It is mandatory for Ryan to attend Addison's appointments unless he has a documented excuse.  If he does not go, then he has 24 hours to make an appointment with her doctor and learn about what was said.  He gets to have her every Saturday and one day a week after school until 8.  And his parents who have helped him break the law and don't have a clue how to care for Addi and have not shown any interest what-so-ever still get to supervise. 

Like I said, I had faith that a judge would see all this neglect, see the lack of interest, see that he gets off watching little girls get sexually abused, see his disregard for any laws/rules, and see that his parents are enablers. Now what?  I think the only thing I have faith in now is that nice guys really do finish last.  The sickest of them all can still win.  I feel like I should start saving now for all the additional therapy my daughter will need. 

Its like a nightmare.  One I could never have imagined.  I live with my parents so I can afford to pay my attorney. Ryan lives in daytona where his parents buy him a condo and pay for him to go to embry riddle to make him happy.  I work at night as a server so I can be at every single doctors appointment and therapy and drive Addi to her special needs school every day. Ryan doesn't work.  His parents pay for everything.  he doesn't go to any appointments.  He also claimed during his testimony that Addi only has one disability. She has MANY.  He now gets to have Addison on my days off.  I no longer have a whole day off with her.  How? How did this happen? I feel like I'm just the work horse now.  Addison's success is in thanks to my care; all the running around I do and sacrifices I have made.  Yet, I no longer get to have fun with my little girl? HE gets that?!

I can't help but ask, 'What has happened to today's society? What kind of a world are we living in where men who  view kiddie porn and their enablers get to be with a child? what kind of world practically punishes the hard working but rewards the lazy?'.  More importantly though, how can we change this? Thursday, blew my mind, and frankly, its four days later and I'm still in shock.  I refuse to sit back and let this happen again.  I'll be damned if the most precious thing in my life is going to be harmed in any way.  And I will not let her go through having to see just how little her father cares about her.  She's handicapped, isn't that enough?

If there are any suggestions, I welcome them.

Chapter 12: What if?

What if...

What if I never met ryan. Then where would I be? I wouldn't have addi.. That's about all I know. I imagine I would still be in Tampa. Maybe serving still? I don't know. Before I had Addison I was focused on becoming a teacher. I already had a degree in graphic design, but after subbing at a friends school, I realized how rewarding it was working with children. Maybe that's where I would be. But would my life really have purpose? When Addison was born, I felt like I understood why I was put on this earth. Up until then I felt worthless.
Lately though, I've kind of felt the same. Addison is my life, the love and light of it, so don't misunderstand me.
But I've recently decided to finally seek counseling. Funny enough, I've been less stressed and even more confident with the whole ryan/legal thing. But I feel like now it's time I establish who I am.
What I've learned by going is that I am codependent. Meaning, for me, that I've put others before myself. I haven't completely done what I want or when I want because I'm constantly concerned about who I'll upset or what someone else might want instead. Well, no more.
My life is beyond busy and is quite exhausting. I take addi to a special needs school two days a week, physical therapy another day, and an orthopedist another. Add in a possible prosthesis appointment here and there, physiatrist, and pediatrician. Then, I work 5-6 nights a week. I also try to work out 4-5 days a week. Can you say crazy schedule?! So where is my time to relax?

    Well, I haven't taken any time. Even in dating I'd give up whatever free time I had left.   But there I was again being codependent. The small amount of free time I had was going to someone else. So now, I'm adament about ME. I've had time to just collect my thoughts, make a plan for my life, save money and hopefully get into a home for just Addi and I and more importantly a routine. I feel like once these things are accomplished then I can truly be happy. Then, maybe there will be room to let another life in.  I can't lie, i see everyone on FB getting married and having babies and being in these beautiful relationships and I wish it was me too.  Not because i can't find someone, but because I feel like I'm not there yet.  I'm actually afraid of myself, of the decisions I make.  It's funny though, because I get compliments all the time about what a great mom I am, and what a great catch I am. But it's very difficult to see when you've been through what I have.  Ryan told me every single day how much he loved me and how beautiful I am.  Yet, he chose gambling and prostitutes over me.  This is where I'm scarred. This is where I hope counseling will help.  I want so badly to believe the compliments I receive. 
    My life certainly hit rock bottom in the past 2 years.  But I think I'm beginning to start a new.  I'm less obsessed with all the legal stuff and getting rid of Ryan, and more in tune with the way things are going to work out.  Yes, I hope Addi no longer has to be around the Lawrence assholes, but a judge will rule in a way that I have no control over and I'll just have to deal with that.  So, now I'm working on going back to school and getting another degree so I can work a job that will provide enough and still give the flexibility to take Addi to all her appointments.  Once we get a house, consistent income, and a routine, I truly think I will have overcome my trauma.  Ryan took my life, I'm getting it back.
   

Chapter 11: He's a victim, now I'm one..Who's next?

  I just spent quite a bit of time at a book store reading all kinds of psychological books.  I had to make myself stop because I actually started to feel bad for Ryan and his brother.  I'll be honest, I'm fueled by anger and passion completely.  The last thing I want to do is let my guard down.  So I picked up a book called The Boy who was Raised as a Dog.  It's different stories about children who have been traumatized in different ways.  As I read the stories I paid close attention to the behavior of their actions as they grew older.  They all experienced depression, anxiety, fear, and low self worth.  Ryan has had three psychological evaluations in the last 4 years.  The most important was the last, the psycho-sexual exam.  As mentioned before, it was more than important that he have this done if he was to be allowed around Addison.  As we know, it said he has no risk of sexually abusing Addi.  Just says he needs to be supervised.  He's been granted temporary supervision by his parents.  I can spend hours, reading all Ryan's reports, reading about all his crimes, and want to vomit while I do it.  But I can't read about his parents.  There's nothing.  From what I see, no arrests or anything.  Isn't it safe to say though that children are a product of their environment?  The report he had done while he was incarcerated stated that he has signs of PTSD.  His last evaluation does not say that, however mentions all of his symptoms...which are that of PTSD. 

fear, worry, sadness, anger, feeling alone and apart from others, feeling as if people are looking down on them, low self-worth, and not being able to trust others

behaviors such as aggression, out-of-place sexual behavior, self-harm, and abuse of drugs or alcohol

There was a night when I packed my bags.  I had looked at Ryan's email and discovered he had been talking with prostitutes for a very long time.  I had had it.  I confronted him when he got home.  He completely freaked out crying and begging me not to leave.  He then started expressing fear.  He stated that Addi was the only good thing he had ever done and also said something interesting.  At that time I knew he was on probation.  He told me it was because he got caught with marijuana.  He starting crying and saying how afraid he was to go back to jail.  I was so confused.  I calmed him down and reassured him that it would never happen because he's not smoking pot.  So why was he worried about going back?

Of course we know the answer now.  Was it maybe not his idea to hide his real criminal history from me? Was it the parents?  He obviously knew he was breaking the law by being near Addison.  They all did.

Addison has so much going on right now.  She's i speech therapy once a week.  I've asked Ryan countless times to learn baby sign language and he has not.  I've said it in front of his supervisors on purpose so that maybe they will help.  They have not.  None of them attend her prosthetics appointments.  Didn't even attend her wheel chair fitting. And he is consistently late with child support. These "supervisors" of his, his parents, how are they helping?  I thought that's what they are supposed to be there for.  Their son has needed help for years.  When he was arrested back in 2007 he saw a psychologist.  According to the report, Ryan was recommended any help.  Fast forward to now.  He can't be alone with his daughter, he violated his probation on 4 counts, and since then has committed tax fraud, wire tapping and doesn't pay support.  All crimes.  Where the fuck are his parents?!?!

I am a victim of a sociopath. Correction, sociopaths.  My hardship is moving from a town I loved, attorney fees out the ass, working at night instead of a 9-5 so I can attend all my daughter's doctors appointments and spend all day teaching her, and sharing a bedroom with a barely 2 year old.  This is nothing.  One day maybe I'll move somewhere I love.  One day those fees will end.  I love spending all day with my daughter, and I love waking up every morning to hearing her yell "MAMA!!!!" at me across the room from her crib. 

 My life is beautiful because I have an amazing family and support system and the most wonderful daughter. 
Addison's life is wonderful because she has amazing family and all my friends.  She even has the hearts of the strangers she meets at the grocery store.

What will she have when she is traumatized?...the common conclusion of a person like Ryan that exhibits his traits is childhood sexual abuse.  Ryan's parents don't hold a criminal record, but Ryan and his brother are living proof of one.  I'm fighting. Hard...

Chapter 10: 1 to 365

This past August 27th was exactly one year since I left Ryan.  I honestly can't believe it's been that long already.

  Funny enough, I feel a lot better, yet still feel lost.  I left a life of loneliness, wonder, sadness, and a life I didn't have much control over.  Now, I am free from him and his family having the almighty decision, but because I chose to be so blind or live in denial, I no longer trust myself.  I know when it comes to Addison I am doing everything great.  But in my life, I question it all.  I question my friends, my family, and even the guests that come into my work.  I actually wonder how well I am functioning.  I fear that people who don't even know me see just how fucked up I am.  Back in December Ryan and I had a hearing.  He wanted to be able to attend Addison's surgery that she was having since he had not seen her since being in jail.  I also wanted a psychologist to perform a psycho-sexual evaluation on him because of his crimes.  The judge we had was all over the place that day.  She condemned him half a dozen times yet allowed him to have supervised visitation by his parents.  In the same breath that she said he needed to be evaluated, she said since the court didnn't know anything about me, that I should have a basic eval. fine.

   So his eval was exactly as we expected.  He's a sick bastard that's mentally screwed up beyond belief. (As the doctor put it in oh-so-many words) ha ha.  Mine came out saying that I'm doing surprisingly well considering everything I have been through.  It said I'm an exellant mother andperfectly fit to take care of Addison.  However, it said I have mild depresson (situational) anxiety (situational) and paranoia (also situational).  I can't believe a person can effect one's life in such a way that it causes these things.  Alas, it's true. Things we experience in life can permenantly taint a person.  I'm pissed that I feel the way I do.  I would love to be able to live my daily life without question. I mean it's bad enough that I live with the guilt for what all of this is doing to my family, now i have trust issues too? Ugh...

 On the brighter side, I think things are getting better..or at least looking like they will.  I have a good job and recently got a promotion that I'll start training for soon.  Addi is in her prosthetics and doing exceptionally well.  Her pink wheel chair should be done by the end of this month =) And Ryan is doing everything he possibly can to hurt any chance of the judge finding him to be a decent person/dad.  He has not attended a single doctor's visit in months.  Not even her wheel chair appointments or prosthetics appointments.  Addison has speech therapy every week and he does not even bother to ask what he needs to know.  I told him over a month ago that Addi is learning baby sign language and that he needs to learn too.  At his last visitation I asked him if he had.  He said NO and that he would just look it up on YOUTUBE!...not at all a reliable site. In addition to all that, he was so delinquent on child support that his lisence was about to be suspended.  His most recent?...WIRETAPPING...For those of you that don't know, recording someone without their consent in the state of florida is illegal.  It would appear as though he misses wearing that bright orange jumpsuit and those shiny bracelets...ha ha.  All of this of course helps Addison and I. 

  I wish more than anything that he was a good father however. I dread the day when Addison figures out just how little interest he has in her.  I can only imagine the pain it will cause.  So I'm hoping for one of two things to happen.  A) the judge realizes what a waste he is to her life and gives me sole custody or B) He just goes away.  Either way then, I can just make up some lie to her later.  I could tell her that he died in a bad accident or tell her that he's saving sick orphans in another country or something.  I would honestly rather her think those lies than let her live knowing what selfish scum he is. Could you imagine finding out your dad has a criminal history involving child porn?! Oh the therapy.....