August 11th 2010
I'm having an internal conflict. I swear I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. Ryan and I are getting married in 2 months. I don't think I'm ready. There have been so many red flags and I just seem to keep ignoring them or making excuses. Why? Yes I have an 8 month old daughter Addison Lynn. Would I really want to separate her and have to go through custody? God no. She is my everything. I would never hurt her. I'm afraid though that she will just grow up in a house with parents who only fight all the time and who don't trust each other. A child shouldn't see that. Right now, I'm miserable. I love ryan but am I really head over heals? I think I could write a novel on all the things he has said or done to crush me.
I first discovered the worse back on November. But nothing else has proven better. Isn't that reason to leave? Should Addison even have to grow up with a mom who is unhappy?
When I was pregnant ryan went out all the time and left me at home. Just two weeks before she was born I caught him soliciting sex on craigslist. He promised it would never happen again. I stayed. Addi was born with lots of complications. Ryan really stepped up. He acted like a man. We were so happy once we finally got her home. Ryan didn't end up goin back to work until a few weeks after the new year. A few weeks later I ended up having to have many eye surgeries all due to my diabetes. During that time I just didnt feel.....taken care of.
When you are in a relationship it becomes a team of two. Instead, ryan and I became a joint bank account.
Ryan proposed at the end of February. We went to las Vegas for a little get away. He ended up proposing to me in the bathroom of our hotel. Cute.
Fast forward to may. I discovered that ryan never stopped going online. I also found out that instead of going to class he was blowing hundreds of dollars of our money at the hard rock casino. He also decides to add a nitrous kit to his car. He told me he was doing it but said it would "only" cost $300 total. Yeah, I found out it ended up costing almost $1,000 when all was said and done. I can't help but notice this pattern that just worries/terrifies me. If I marry him will I be lied to forever? This isn't even half the hurt.
August 26th 2010
11:30 at night and I'm home alone...again. He told me he wasn't going out at all this week. Is he out? Well, he had an 8:30 game tonight. He told me he was going to stay after for 30 minutes an just have one drink. Hmmm it's been way past 30 min. I feel like a single mom right now. I might as well be one. I had a dream I was. In it, I was dating. The man in the dream was wonderful. Tall, great shape. Smiled alot, brought me flowers, really made me feel loved. Really really loved. Like he couldn't imagine life without me. Like I came first....before alcohol and hookers. Ha ha (couldn't help myself)
I met ryan for dinner tonight before his hockey game. I thought it was going to be just him and I, a little family dinner. Instead, I get there and his mother was there. She didn't talk to me at all. Ryan went to the bathroom twice an neither time did she utter a word to me. I had to be the one to make conversation. Otherwise we would've sat in silence. Can you say 'grow up!'??
I'm so upset! I feel so alone! I told ryan about his mom and he just shrugged it off. I guarantee if his mom said that about me I'd get yelled at. It's friend me against ryan and his family. My parents worry about me all the time and they are right to do so. I don't go a day without wondering if ryan is cheating on me. Should I really have to live like this? It's now 11:45...still alone.
He came home at 12. Sounds drunk as hell. He says that because I get to go out on Saturday (which NEVER happens) and because he was at work early, that he wanted to spend the rest of the night with his boys. I I'm going to be guilt tripped for going out do I even want to go?
I always envisioned a man that would have a long hard day that would be excited to come home to his family. That would pick me up and kiss me the second he walked in the door.
He mentioned when he got home tonight that it's because of me fighting with him that he leaves. I fight with him because I'm hurt. It's like he would rather go out than be with me. And it's not fighting, it's emoting. I'm sad, and I'm expressing it. I told him how I felt again about tonights dinner. He thought dinner was nice.
What the fuck am I doing in this relationship? I've had dreams about my wedding. Every dream is a nightmare. They are always just off...wrong...things missing. I'm so afraid to marry him. I need to just rip off the band aid.
I just want to be happy...
Present time.
The night of that last journal entry I ended up discovering that ryan had been looking up prostitutes while staying at a co workers beach house the weekend of my bridal shower. I left him the next morning.
I happened to stumble upon this journal and read these two entries. I'm so pissed off right now. I can't believe I stayed with him as long as I did.
So why is all of this happening? I'm thinking it's because I'm an idiot that needs to learn how to be more aware. I need to learn how to be able to just "cut it off" if I don't like it. I've always put up with things in relationships. I've got to quit that. Obviously no one is perfect. But we all have an idea of how we would like to be treated. I want someone motivated, with a life, a sports fan, dog lover, someone who calls or texts to see how my day is. I don't want someone who kisses my ass but I want to feel truly cares about. And most importantly someone who will love Addison. It's not easy being a single mom. So I need a man. A real man that considers reality. My daughter will always come first, so the man in my life has to be man enough to understand and support that.
Ryan was never truly a man. I've never heard of a proposal story where the guy didn't put some serious though into how he was going to do it. Just spur of the moment in a bathroom. We didn't even celebrate that night.
Just can't believe I put myself and my family through all this shit...
Unfortunately you just have to consider this a very hard lesson learned and move on. You are much stronger and smarter now and your eyes are wide open. You have your priorities straight and you are putting the people that need it the most first, Addison and yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Keep your head up girl. You are doing what's right by you daughter and yourself. Karma is only a bitch to those that test her, nothing but good is gonna come back to you in the end. xoxox
ReplyDeleteJen,
ReplyDeleteYou are incredibly strong! I am a firm believer in the fact that we only get as much as we can handle and you're doing a fabulous job, as a mom, a daughter, a friend and every role you fill. Everything is a lesson and you're just having to learn a lot really fast! But the one amazing thing that will come from all of this is that it won't happen again and you will be stronger than you ever imagined! You're goign to be the apple of Addi's eye and with all the reason in the world. She is going to be so proud of how strong and resilient her mom is and she will aspire to be just like you. We all follow our hearts at the wrong times and it's the true genuine people who look for the best in all situations.. as it seems you did with Ryan, time and time again.. and although things didn't work out how you planned, you have to believe they worked out exactly as they were supposed to. As you stated in your blog, you now know what you deserve and will not accept anything less.. and that has come from much sadness and disappointment, but you have realized your worth and it's very important to prioritize that! :) Okay.. just wanted to share.. I read your blog and cant help but realize what an incredible person you truly are!!! You just keep doing you and that perfect life will all fall into play..
XOXO Lindsay