Chapter 4

I think things are starting to get better, maybe even be coming to a close.  Yesterday I took Addison to two doctor's appointments.  One was her helmet check up and the other was her check up for her Cleft Palette surgery.  Her father was supposed to attend both.  He called 10 min before her first appointment at 8:30 and said he was in traffic.  The man lives 6 miles away from this doctor.  I live 80 miles away.  Needless to say, he never made it.  He did however attend her 10:30 appointment.  The doctor said that Addison has completely recovered and that if we want, she doesn't have to wear the helmet anymore.  She still has some room for growth in her helmet so it's going to stay on for a couple more weeks.  Just to try and get her head extra perfect. ha ha.  Anyways, her doctor was explaining some things that we should work on that will help with her speech post surgery.  Ryan decided to text the entire time and not bother to pay attention. 

I know I need to try and keep from being so stressed out.  But I can't help but be infuriated that I am living this life less desirable because of this man.  I make calls to doctors and set appointments all the time.  I take notes and ask questions so that I can give Addison the best care possible.  I have a degree but can't use it because I dont have time to work a 9-5 job because I am constantly driving to doctors all the time.  All of this is worth it of course for Addison.  But dammit, it pisses me off that I have to fight so hard against her father and he is costing my family and I so much pain and money and for what?! He clearly doesn't care about her.   Ok, that was my rant for the day.

Story continued:

Addison was transferred to All Children's Hospital in St. Petersburg.  She did nothing but make outstanding progress while she was there.  Three days after she was born I was finally released and able to go to St. Pete to be with her.  My parents were the ones who brought me.  I was so excited! I was still in extreme pain but managed to take a shower by myself and get dressed.  When we left the hospital we had to go pick up my prescriptions for pain killers.  Unfortunatly, my doctor is a moron and didnt sign the prescriptions. So we had to drive to his office and then go get them filled.  By the time we got them I was in extreme pain.  Eventually we made it.  Ryan wasn't there because he was supposedly taking his final exams.

My mom walked me into the NICU where Addison was staying.   I just stood there and looked at her.  I managed to convince her nurse to let me hold her.  So I sat in my wheel chair and had blankets proped up under my arm to take some pressure off of holding Addison up.  She was awake for a little but soon fell asleep.  I must have been tired as well because I fell asleep too! Ha ha.  But it was so great. Such an amazing feeling to have this beautiful little baby sleeping in my arms. 

That night Ryan and I stayed across the street from the hospital at The Ronald McDonald house.   It was later in the evening and Ryan's parents as well as his brother showed up.  So we went to see Addison again.  Since only two people at a time were allowed I took Ryan's brother Matthewin to see her.  Except, when we walked in she wasn't there.  I of course freaked out.  Eventually a nurse explained to me that she had been moved to transitional care.  This was incredible news! It meant she was improving and her tests were positive.  At that moment I discovered what tears of joy truly meant.

The next night Ryan and I stayed at a hotel because he didn't care for the other place.  Addison continued to improve.  The night after that was our company holiday party so we attended that after visiting Addison of course.  We went back to our home the next morning.  Over the next few days Ryan and I traveled to St. Pete to spend time with our little girl.  My parents had also been coming to see her and stayed at our house almost the entire time Addison was in the NICU. 

One day, ryan told me he was sick of driving out there.  That he was exhausted from everything.  I of course wanted to sleep there, but they wouldn't let me.  So my dad came from Orlando and went with me to see her.  When we arrived we discovered that she passed her new born hearing test.  This was pretty much the last test that had to be done before she could be released.  She also had to be able to eat from a bottle.  We spent all day there. 

What I will never understand to this day though is why Ryan didn't go.  Of course he was tired. Like I wasn't?  What parent wouldn't be there for thier child?  It just makes me think about the surgery she just had back in December.  He took me to court to be able to have the right to attend.  The judge granted him permission but said he had to be supervised by his dad.  Ryan showed up, waited in the waiting room and then left when she was out.  He saw her for ten minutes and left.  He said he wanted to go back to work.  He then came back at 3:30.  Addison was sleeping on me.  So he spent 10 minutes harassing me.  Then they left.  What is wrong with this man?!

Anyways, after 10 days we were able to bring Addison home from All Children's.  Soon after, we started follow up visits and constant conversations with specialists.  I think I cried everyday.  All I knew was that Addison would certainly need surgery.  Many in fact.  I knew her cleft could be repaired and that it was pretty common.  But she was born without her femurs.  No thighs. None.  It's hard enough being a woman.  We are constantly critcizing ourselves as well as others.  Guys can be extremely cruel as well as kids.  The first thing that popped into my head was, 'what if no one asks Addison to homecomeing or the prom because she is different?'.  Honestly, that's what I thought of.  Besides all the pain she will physically endure, I'm actually more concerned with the emotional.  I don't want people pointing and laughing or making fun of her or coming up with nicknames.  She's so beautiful and so smart, but I know others will overlook that. 

It's amazing how our minds and bodies function.  For a few months after we got Addison home I was nuts.  I was honestly terrified of being by myself at night.  Ryan went out a lot and played on a hockey league at night so I was by myself probably 3 nights a week.  I remember begging him to just skip his games every now and then.  I explained to him how I was feeling but nothing was more important to him than playing on his D league hockey team...  I honestly paced around the house and just cried.  There was something about being left alone that I just couldn't handle.  Which, is not normal for me, I like being by myself. 

I should have left him then.  I should have been smart.  I knew about the Craig's List stuff, and now here I was taking care of a new born by myself while he went out.  That's not love.  If he went out once a week I would understand.  If I wasn't a mess I would understand.  I truly believe he thinks the world revolves around him.  Poor Addison, she will never come 1st in his life.....