I don't think there has ever been a time in my life where I felt more helpless or confused.
As an upper 20-something adult, I feel I understand myself; my way of thinking, the decisions I make, the morals/ethics I have, and my character. I'm no Mother Teresa, and no one is perfect, but I know that I am a damn good mother. As a kid, we think are parents are awesome if they let us have pancakes for dinner or stay up late. As an adult we laugh when we see our little one's faces light up at such a small allowance.
Before Addison was born I never really felt I had a purpose in life. I worked, graduated college, and just continued to work. Nothing to brag about or be extremely proud of. Now, I have this little cherub that can put a smile on my face no matter how my day has gone.
But there come times when you can't help but quote that mid-90's song and say "and I scream at the top of my lungs, WHAT'S GOING ON?!?!". When it rains, it really does pour. We all know that I've been fighting against a real piece of work for the safety and well-being of my daughter. But truth be told, up until a couple days ago, I didn't really think I had to fight much. I put a lot of faith into humans in general. i tend to think that everyone has good in them, and given facts can make decent/right decisions. But apparently, no matter what we see and know to be right doesn't matter when it comes to law.
We had a hearing Thursday. I had filed a motion to terminate Ryan's visitation or in the alternative appoint supervisors other than his parents. I also asked that visitation take place only in Orlando so that Addi wouldn't be stuck riding in a car for three days twice a week when she has to wear either casts on her legs or braces. Plus, she has an extremely busy schedule and I simply find it unfair to her to add more. She has physical therapy twice a week, special needs school Mon-Fri and and average of 14 more doctors appointments every month. None of which Ryan attends. The last appointment he went to was 14 months ago. I email him letting him know when they all are and yet he is never there. So, we go into court. Tell the judge all of this. Ryan gives testimony saying he has not been to any, that he feel uncomfortable going because i am mean to him in front of doctors (i actually have written notes from nurses stating how he harasses ME at appointments). So because of that, he wont go. He won't suck it up and be a part of Addison's care. His mom ends up giving her testimony. It's quite frankly gold for me. She claims to have no idea what is medically wrong with Addison and has no clue at all how to care for her. She claims the reason for that is because she has never been invited to Addison's doctors appointments. She also never asked if she could go. she even admitted that she helped Ryan violate his probation. Ryan was on probation for possession of child pornography and was not allowed to be around any child under the age of 18. Well, when Addison was born, we lived together of course. His mother claimed since it was his kid that she didn't see a problem with it.
Here's the result: It is mandatory for Ryan to attend Addison's appointments unless he has a documented excuse. If he does not go, then he has 24 hours to make an appointment with her doctor and learn about what was said. He gets to have her every Saturday and one day a week after school until 8. And his parents who have helped him break the law and don't have a clue how to care for Addi and have not shown any interest what-so-ever still get to supervise.
Like I said, I had faith that a judge would see all this neglect, see the lack of interest, see that he gets off watching little girls get sexually abused, see his disregard for any laws/rules, and see that his parents are enablers. Now what? I think the only thing I have faith in now is that nice guys really do finish last. The sickest of them all can still win. I feel like I should start saving now for all the additional therapy my daughter will need.
Its like a nightmare. One I could never have imagined. I live with my parents so I can afford to pay my attorney. Ryan lives in daytona where his parents buy him a condo and pay for him to go to embry riddle to make him happy. I work at night as a server so I can be at every single doctors appointment and therapy and drive Addi to her special needs school every day. Ryan doesn't work. His parents pay for everything. he doesn't go to any appointments. He also claimed during his testimony that Addi only has one disability. She has MANY. He now gets to have Addison on my days off. I no longer have a whole day off with her. How? How did this happen? I feel like I'm just the work horse now. Addison's success is in thanks to my care; all the running around I do and sacrifices I have made. Yet, I no longer get to have fun with my little girl? HE gets that?!
I can't help but ask, 'What has happened to today's society? What kind of a world are we living in where men who view kiddie porn and their enablers get to be with a child? what kind of world practically punishes the hard working but rewards the lazy?'. More importantly though, how can we change this? Thursday, blew my mind, and frankly, its four days later and I'm still in shock. I refuse to sit back and let this happen again. I'll be damned if the most precious thing in my life is going to be harmed in any way. And I will not let her go through having to see just how little her father cares about her. She's handicapped, isn't that enough?
If there are any suggestions, I welcome them.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
Chapter 12: What if?
What if...
What if I never met ryan. Then where would I be? I wouldn't have addi.. That's about all I know. I imagine I would still be in Tampa. Maybe serving still? I don't know. Before I had Addison I was focused on becoming a teacher. I already had a degree in graphic design, but after subbing at a friends school, I realized how rewarding it was working with children. Maybe that's where I would be. But would my life really have purpose? When Addison was born, I felt like I understood why I was put on this earth. Up until then I felt worthless.
Lately though, I've kind of felt the same. Addison is my life, the love and light of it, so don't misunderstand me.
But I've recently decided to finally seek counseling. Funny enough, I've been less stressed and even more confident with the whole ryan/legal thing. But I feel like now it's time I establish who I am.
What I've learned by going is that I am codependent. Meaning, for me, that I've put others before myself. I haven't completely done what I want or when I want because I'm constantly concerned about who I'll upset or what someone else might want instead. Well, no more.
My life is beyond busy and is quite exhausting. I take addi to a special needs school two days a week, physical therapy another day, and an orthopedist another. Add in a possible prosthesis appointment here and there, physiatrist, and pediatrician. Then, I work 5-6 nights a week. I also try to work out 4-5 days a week. Can you say crazy schedule?! So where is my time to relax?
Well, I haven't taken any time. Even in dating I'd give up whatever free time I had left. But there I was again being codependent. The small amount of free time I had was going to someone else. So now, I'm adament about ME. I've had time to just collect my thoughts, make a plan for my life, save money and hopefully get into a home for just Addi and I and more importantly a routine. I feel like once these things are accomplished then I can truly be happy. Then, maybe there will be room to let another life in. I can't lie, i see everyone on FB getting married and having babies and being in these beautiful relationships and I wish it was me too. Not because i can't find someone, but because I feel like I'm not there yet. I'm actually afraid of myself, of the decisions I make. It's funny though, because I get compliments all the time about what a great mom I am, and what a great catch I am. But it's very difficult to see when you've been through what I have. Ryan told me every single day how much he loved me and how beautiful I am. Yet, he chose gambling and prostitutes over me. This is where I'm scarred. This is where I hope counseling will help. I want so badly to believe the compliments I receive.
My life certainly hit rock bottom in the past 2 years. But I think I'm beginning to start a new. I'm less obsessed with all the legal stuff and getting rid of Ryan, and more in tune with the way things are going to work out. Yes, I hope Addi no longer has to be around the Lawrence assholes, but a judge will rule in a way that I have no control over and I'll just have to deal with that. So, now I'm working on going back to school and getting another degree so I can work a job that will provide enough and still give the flexibility to take Addi to all her appointments. Once we get a house, consistent income, and a routine, I truly think I will have overcome my trauma. Ryan took my life, I'm getting it back.
What if I never met ryan. Then where would I be? I wouldn't have addi.. That's about all I know. I imagine I would still be in Tampa. Maybe serving still? I don't know. Before I had Addison I was focused on becoming a teacher. I already had a degree in graphic design, but after subbing at a friends school, I realized how rewarding it was working with children. Maybe that's where I would be. But would my life really have purpose? When Addison was born, I felt like I understood why I was put on this earth. Up until then I felt worthless.
Lately though, I've kind of felt the same. Addison is my life, the love and light of it, so don't misunderstand me.
But I've recently decided to finally seek counseling. Funny enough, I've been less stressed and even more confident with the whole ryan/legal thing. But I feel like now it's time I establish who I am.
What I've learned by going is that I am codependent. Meaning, for me, that I've put others before myself. I haven't completely done what I want or when I want because I'm constantly concerned about who I'll upset or what someone else might want instead. Well, no more.
My life is beyond busy and is quite exhausting. I take addi to a special needs school two days a week, physical therapy another day, and an orthopedist another. Add in a possible prosthesis appointment here and there, physiatrist, and pediatrician. Then, I work 5-6 nights a week. I also try to work out 4-5 days a week. Can you say crazy schedule?! So where is my time to relax?
Well, I haven't taken any time. Even in dating I'd give up whatever free time I had left. But there I was again being codependent. The small amount of free time I had was going to someone else. So now, I'm adament about ME. I've had time to just collect my thoughts, make a plan for my life, save money and hopefully get into a home for just Addi and I and more importantly a routine. I feel like once these things are accomplished then I can truly be happy. Then, maybe there will be room to let another life in. I can't lie, i see everyone on FB getting married and having babies and being in these beautiful relationships and I wish it was me too. Not because i can't find someone, but because I feel like I'm not there yet. I'm actually afraid of myself, of the decisions I make. It's funny though, because I get compliments all the time about what a great mom I am, and what a great catch I am. But it's very difficult to see when you've been through what I have. Ryan told me every single day how much he loved me and how beautiful I am. Yet, he chose gambling and prostitutes over me. This is where I'm scarred. This is where I hope counseling will help. I want so badly to believe the compliments I receive.
My life certainly hit rock bottom in the past 2 years. But I think I'm beginning to start a new. I'm less obsessed with all the legal stuff and getting rid of Ryan, and more in tune with the way things are going to work out. Yes, I hope Addi no longer has to be around the Lawrence assholes, but a judge will rule in a way that I have no control over and I'll just have to deal with that. So, now I'm working on going back to school and getting another degree so I can work a job that will provide enough and still give the flexibility to take Addi to all her appointments. Once we get a house, consistent income, and a routine, I truly think I will have overcome my trauma. Ryan took my life, I'm getting it back.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Chapter 11: He's a victim, now I'm one..Who's next?
I just spent quite a bit of time at a book store reading all kinds of psychological books. I had to make myself stop because I actually started to feel bad for Ryan and his brother. I'll be honest, I'm fueled by anger and passion completely. The last thing I want to do is let my guard down. So I picked up a book called The Boy who was Raised as a Dog. It's different stories about children who have been traumatized in different ways. As I read the stories I paid close attention to the behavior of their actions as they grew older. They all experienced depression, anxiety, fear, and low self worth. Ryan has had three psychological evaluations in the last 4 years. The most important was the last, the psycho-sexual exam. As mentioned before, it was more than important that he have this done if he was to be allowed around Addison. As we know, it said he has no risk of sexually abusing Addi. Just says he needs to be supervised. He's been granted temporary supervision by his parents. I can spend hours, reading all Ryan's reports, reading about all his crimes, and want to vomit while I do it. But I can't read about his parents. There's nothing. From what I see, no arrests or anything. Isn't it safe to say though that children are a product of their environment? The report he had done while he was incarcerated stated that he has signs of PTSD. His last evaluation does not say that, however mentions all of his symptoms...which are that of PTSD.
fear, worry, sadness, anger, feeling alone and apart from others, feeling as if people are looking down on them, low self-worth, and not being able to trust others
behaviors such as aggression, out-of-place sexual behavior, self-harm, and abuse of drugs or alcohol
There was a night when I packed my bags. I had looked at Ryan's email and discovered he had been talking with prostitutes for a very long time. I had had it. I confronted him when he got home. He completely freaked out crying and begging me not to leave. He then started expressing fear. He stated that Addi was the only good thing he had ever done and also said something interesting. At that time I knew he was on probation. He told me it was because he got caught with marijuana. He starting crying and saying how afraid he was to go back to jail. I was so confused. I calmed him down and reassured him that it would never happen because he's not smoking pot. So why was he worried about going back?
Of course we know the answer now. Was it maybe not his idea to hide his real criminal history from me? Was it the parents? He obviously knew he was breaking the law by being near Addison. They all did.
Addison has so much going on right now. She's i speech therapy once a week. I've asked Ryan countless times to learn baby sign language and he has not. I've said it in front of his supervisors on purpose so that maybe they will help. They have not. None of them attend her prosthetics appointments. Didn't even attend her wheel chair fitting. And he is consistently late with child support. These "supervisors" of his, his parents, how are they helping? I thought that's what they are supposed to be there for. Their son has needed help for years. When he was arrested back in 2007 he saw a psychologist. According to the report, Ryan was recommended any help. Fast forward to now. He can't be alone with his daughter, he violated his probation on 4 counts, and since then has committed tax fraud, wire tapping and doesn't pay support. All crimes. Where the fuck are his parents?!?!
I am a victim of a sociopath. Correction, sociopaths. My hardship is moving from a town I loved, attorney fees out the ass, working at night instead of a 9-5 so I can attend all my daughter's doctors appointments and spend all day teaching her, and sharing a bedroom with a barely 2 year old. This is nothing. One day maybe I'll move somewhere I love. One day those fees will end. I love spending all day with my daughter, and I love waking up every morning to hearing her yell "MAMA!!!!" at me across the room from her crib.
My life is beautiful because I have an amazing family and support system and the most wonderful daughter.
Addison's life is wonderful because she has amazing family and all my friends. She even has the hearts of the strangers she meets at the grocery store.
What will she have when she is traumatized?...the common conclusion of a person like Ryan that exhibits his traits is childhood sexual abuse. Ryan's parents don't hold a criminal record, but Ryan and his brother are living proof of one. I'm fighting. Hard...
There was a night when I packed my bags. I had looked at Ryan's email and discovered he had been talking with prostitutes for a very long time. I had had it. I confronted him when he got home. He completely freaked out crying and begging me not to leave. He then started expressing fear. He stated that Addi was the only good thing he had ever done and also said something interesting. At that time I knew he was on probation. He told me it was because he got caught with marijuana. He starting crying and saying how afraid he was to go back to jail. I was so confused. I calmed him down and reassured him that it would never happen because he's not smoking pot. So why was he worried about going back?
Of course we know the answer now. Was it maybe not his idea to hide his real criminal history from me? Was it the parents? He obviously knew he was breaking the law by being near Addison. They all did.
Addison has so much going on right now. She's i speech therapy once a week. I've asked Ryan countless times to learn baby sign language and he has not. I've said it in front of his supervisors on purpose so that maybe they will help. They have not. None of them attend her prosthetics appointments. Didn't even attend her wheel chair fitting. And he is consistently late with child support. These "supervisors" of his, his parents, how are they helping? I thought that's what they are supposed to be there for. Their son has needed help for years. When he was arrested back in 2007 he saw a psychologist. According to the report, Ryan was recommended any help. Fast forward to now. He can't be alone with his daughter, he violated his probation on 4 counts, and since then has committed tax fraud, wire tapping and doesn't pay support. All crimes. Where the fuck are his parents?!?!
I am a victim of a sociopath. Correction, sociopaths. My hardship is moving from a town I loved, attorney fees out the ass, working at night instead of a 9-5 so I can attend all my daughter's doctors appointments and spend all day teaching her, and sharing a bedroom with a barely 2 year old. This is nothing. One day maybe I'll move somewhere I love. One day those fees will end. I love spending all day with my daughter, and I love waking up every morning to hearing her yell "MAMA!!!!" at me across the room from her crib.
My life is beautiful because I have an amazing family and support system and the most wonderful daughter.
Addison's life is wonderful because she has amazing family and all my friends. She even has the hearts of the strangers she meets at the grocery store.
What will she have when she is traumatized?...the common conclusion of a person like Ryan that exhibits his traits is childhood sexual abuse. Ryan's parents don't hold a criminal record, but Ryan and his brother are living proof of one. I'm fighting. Hard...
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Chapter 10: 1 to 365
This past August 27th was exactly one year since I left Ryan. I honestly can't believe it's been that long already.
Funny enough, I feel a lot better, yet still feel lost. I left a life of loneliness, wonder, sadness, and a life I didn't have much control over. Now, I am free from him and his family having the almighty decision, but because I chose to be so blind or live in denial, I no longer trust myself. I know when it comes to Addison I am doing everything great. But in my life, I question it all. I question my friends, my family, and even the guests that come into my work. I actually wonder how well I am functioning. I fear that people who don't even know me see just how fucked up I am. Back in December Ryan and I had a hearing. He wanted to be able to attend Addison's surgery that she was having since he had not seen her since being in jail. I also wanted a psychologist to perform a psycho-sexual evaluation on him because of his crimes. The judge we had was all over the place that day. She condemned him half a dozen times yet allowed him to have supervised visitation by his parents. In the same breath that she said he needed to be evaluated, she said since the court didnn't know anything about me, that I should have a basic eval. fine.
So his eval was exactly as we expected. He's a sick bastard that's mentally screwed up beyond belief. (As the doctor put it in oh-so-many words) ha ha. Mine came out saying that I'm doing surprisingly well considering everything I have been through. It said I'm an exellant mother andperfectly fit to take care of Addison. However, it said I have mild depresson (situational) anxiety (situational) and paranoia (also situational). I can't believe a person can effect one's life in such a way that it causes these things. Alas, it's true. Things we experience in life can permenantly taint a person. I'm pissed that I feel the way I do. I would love to be able to live my daily life without question. I mean it's bad enough that I live with the guilt for what all of this is doing to my family, now i have trust issues too? Ugh...
On the brighter side, I think things are getting better..or at least looking like they will. I have a good job and recently got a promotion that I'll start training for soon. Addi is in her prosthetics and doing exceptionally well. Her pink wheel chair should be done by the end of this month =) And Ryan is doing everything he possibly can to hurt any chance of the judge finding him to be a decent person/dad. He has not attended a single doctor's visit in months. Not even her wheel chair appointments or prosthetics appointments. Addison has speech therapy every week and he does not even bother to ask what he needs to know. I told him over a month ago that Addi is learning baby sign language and that he needs to learn too. At his last visitation I asked him if he had. He said NO and that he would just look it up on YOUTUBE!...not at all a reliable site. In addition to all that, he was so delinquent on child support that his lisence was about to be suspended. His most recent?...WIRETAPPING...For those of you that don't know, recording someone without their consent in the state of florida is illegal. It would appear as though he misses wearing that bright orange jumpsuit and those shiny bracelets...ha ha. All of this of course helps Addison and I.
I wish more than anything that he was a good father however. I dread the day when Addison figures out just how little interest he has in her. I can only imagine the pain it will cause. So I'm hoping for one of two things to happen. A) the judge realizes what a waste he is to her life and gives me sole custody or B) He just goes away. Either way then, I can just make up some lie to her later. I could tell her that he died in a bad accident or tell her that he's saving sick orphans in another country or something. I would honestly rather her think those lies than let her live knowing what selfish scum he is. Could you imagine finding out your dad has a criminal history involving child porn?! Oh the therapy.....
Funny enough, I feel a lot better, yet still feel lost. I left a life of loneliness, wonder, sadness, and a life I didn't have much control over. Now, I am free from him and his family having the almighty decision, but because I chose to be so blind or live in denial, I no longer trust myself. I know when it comes to Addison I am doing everything great. But in my life, I question it all. I question my friends, my family, and even the guests that come into my work. I actually wonder how well I am functioning. I fear that people who don't even know me see just how fucked up I am. Back in December Ryan and I had a hearing. He wanted to be able to attend Addison's surgery that she was having since he had not seen her since being in jail. I also wanted a psychologist to perform a psycho-sexual evaluation on him because of his crimes. The judge we had was all over the place that day. She condemned him half a dozen times yet allowed him to have supervised visitation by his parents. In the same breath that she said he needed to be evaluated, she said since the court didnn't know anything about me, that I should have a basic eval. fine.
So his eval was exactly as we expected. He's a sick bastard that's mentally screwed up beyond belief. (As the doctor put it in oh-so-many words) ha ha. Mine came out saying that I'm doing surprisingly well considering everything I have been through. It said I'm an exellant mother andperfectly fit to take care of Addison. However, it said I have mild depresson (situational) anxiety (situational) and paranoia (also situational). I can't believe a person can effect one's life in such a way that it causes these things. Alas, it's true. Things we experience in life can permenantly taint a person. I'm pissed that I feel the way I do. I would love to be able to live my daily life without question. I mean it's bad enough that I live with the guilt for what all of this is doing to my family, now i have trust issues too? Ugh...
On the brighter side, I think things are getting better..or at least looking like they will. I have a good job and recently got a promotion that I'll start training for soon. Addi is in her prosthetics and doing exceptionally well. Her pink wheel chair should be done by the end of this month =) And Ryan is doing everything he possibly can to hurt any chance of the judge finding him to be a decent person/dad. He has not attended a single doctor's visit in months. Not even her wheel chair appointments or prosthetics appointments. Addison has speech therapy every week and he does not even bother to ask what he needs to know. I told him over a month ago that Addi is learning baby sign language and that he needs to learn too. At his last visitation I asked him if he had. He said NO and that he would just look it up on YOUTUBE!...not at all a reliable site. In addition to all that, he was so delinquent on child support that his lisence was about to be suspended. His most recent?...WIRETAPPING...For those of you that don't know, recording someone without their consent in the state of florida is illegal. It would appear as though he misses wearing that bright orange jumpsuit and those shiny bracelets...ha ha. All of this of course helps Addison and I.
I wish more than anything that he was a good father however. I dread the day when Addison figures out just how little interest he has in her. I can only imagine the pain it will cause. So I'm hoping for one of two things to happen. A) the judge realizes what a waste he is to her life and gives me sole custody or B) He just goes away. Either way then, I can just make up some lie to her later. I could tell her that he died in a bad accident or tell her that he's saving sick orphans in another country or something. I would honestly rather her think those lies than let her live knowing what selfish scum he is. Could you imagine finding out your dad has a criminal history involving child porn?! Oh the therapy.....
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Chapter 9: Lie to me, baby
Sometimes I wonder if I have PTSD. I have flash backs on a very regular basis. It's almost like he is a ghost just constantly haunting me.
I was thinking about what is currently going on in our case today. Ryan was supposed to submit his financial information quite some time ago and of course has not. When we went to mediation back in January we discussed child support. Prior to this mediation Ryan claimed he was making $5,900 o month. When he showed up in January, he claimed his parents changed his income to $4,000 a month. Suspicious? You bet. When Ryan and I got a house together his parents supposedly raised his pay so we could better afford it. When we were at mediation he claimed they lowered it because the house was sold. Well his pay was lowered in November. The house, according to online records, didn't sell until the end of February. Ryan and I were arguing not too long ago and in so many words I accused him of not really caring about Addison. His response was since he is now paying child support clearly he cares about her. Some, most, of the things that escape his mouth blow my mind. I never realized the ability to write a check, one that is muc less than it should be, made someone a good parent.
The flashback that occured because of this was one hat happend not all that long after Addi was born. ryan was attending classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays at USF...supposedly of course. He would usually text me in between classes or evenwhile he was in them. One day, I couldn't get a hold him..at all. He wouldn't respond to anything. Even his parents called me asking where he was. An hour after he should have been home, he calls. I of course flipped. At this point I already knew that he had been on Craig's List. So the worse possible thoughts were going through my head. He told me that he skipped class that day and went to the Hard Rock casino instead and played poker all day. He said he won a bunch of money and that he was on his way home. Let me make this clear: I HATE MONEY. I only care to pay my bills and give Addison everything I possibly can. I only care about family, love, and being happy. It honestly killed me that he didn't tell me what he was going to do. It hurt even more that he decided gambling would be more enjoyable then spending time with his family. I voiced all these feelings to him. I also told him that I really didn't believe he was playing poker the whole time. I asked him specifically if he had met up with a craig's list hooker. He freaked and told me he never has and never will. He then proceeded to cry and tell me how he felt about ever having done that to me. He told me he was about to committ suicide and drive his car off the road...
...Looking back on this, I wish i hadn't talked him out of it. Honestly. At that time Itold him he was selfish and how could he even think about doing such a thing to his daughter. Truth be told, Addison would be better off without him. I know every child should have the opportunity to know both parents. But if one of them has nothing positive, nothing but possible harm to bring, then why should the child be subjected to that?
I later found that Ryan had been going to the Hard Rock fairly regularly. We had a joint bank account which I never looked at. I wouls ask if he was putting our money aside into savings and believed him when he said yes. I was waiting for a new check card to come in the mail at the time, so when I saw a letter from BB&T I assumed it was the card and opened the letter. There was no card,but there was a bank statement. $5 in savings. WTF?? I started looking over the statement. $400 withdrawn here and there at the casino. He had spent around $1200 at the Hard Rock over a period of about a month. Here's the thing about Ryan, he loves money. It's all he cares about. So if he's losing it, he'll stop. Here's the other thing about Ryan, he desperatly wants people to like him and think he's a big deal. So he loves to act like he has lots of money, a disposable income. My guess is that all that money wasn't spent on playing poker. In previous Craig's List ads that I saw of his, he was willing to spend so much as $300 an hour to have these women do various things. I'm convinced that I was probably cheated on many occasions...
These flash backs are simply infuriating to me. I'm pissed that I didn't put a nail in the coffin sooner. I'm pissed that I am having to fight so hard to keep Addison safe from this man. Keep her from getting hurt by him or even worse, turning out like him. He doesn't want her. It's obvious. He didn't even spend time with her when we lived under the same roof. I wish he would just give up. I wish I had let him drive his car off the road that day. Addison would be better off..
I was thinking about what is currently going on in our case today. Ryan was supposed to submit his financial information quite some time ago and of course has not. When we went to mediation back in January we discussed child support. Prior to this mediation Ryan claimed he was making $5,900 o month. When he showed up in January, he claimed his parents changed his income to $4,000 a month. Suspicious? You bet. When Ryan and I got a house together his parents supposedly raised his pay so we could better afford it. When we were at mediation he claimed they lowered it because the house was sold. Well his pay was lowered in November. The house, according to online records, didn't sell until the end of February. Ryan and I were arguing not too long ago and in so many words I accused him of not really caring about Addison. His response was since he is now paying child support clearly he cares about her. Some, most, of the things that escape his mouth blow my mind. I never realized the ability to write a check, one that is muc less than it should be, made someone a good parent.
The flashback that occured because of this was one hat happend not all that long after Addi was born. ryan was attending classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays at USF...supposedly of course. He would usually text me in between classes or evenwhile he was in them. One day, I couldn't get a hold him..at all. He wouldn't respond to anything. Even his parents called me asking where he was. An hour after he should have been home, he calls. I of course flipped. At this point I already knew that he had been on Craig's List. So the worse possible thoughts were going through my head. He told me that he skipped class that day and went to the Hard Rock casino instead and played poker all day. He said he won a bunch of money and that he was on his way home. Let me make this clear: I HATE MONEY. I only care to pay my bills and give Addison everything I possibly can. I only care about family, love, and being happy. It honestly killed me that he didn't tell me what he was going to do. It hurt even more that he decided gambling would be more enjoyable then spending time with his family. I voiced all these feelings to him. I also told him that I really didn't believe he was playing poker the whole time. I asked him specifically if he had met up with a craig's list hooker. He freaked and told me he never has and never will. He then proceeded to cry and tell me how he felt about ever having done that to me. He told me he was about to committ suicide and drive his car off the road...
...Looking back on this, I wish i hadn't talked him out of it. Honestly. At that time Itold him he was selfish and how could he even think about doing such a thing to his daughter. Truth be told, Addison would be better off without him. I know every child should have the opportunity to know both parents. But if one of them has nothing positive, nothing but possible harm to bring, then why should the child be subjected to that?
I later found that Ryan had been going to the Hard Rock fairly regularly. We had a joint bank account which I never looked at. I wouls ask if he was putting our money aside into savings and believed him when he said yes. I was waiting for a new check card to come in the mail at the time, so when I saw a letter from BB&T I assumed it was the card and opened the letter. There was no card,but there was a bank statement. $5 in savings. WTF?? I started looking over the statement. $400 withdrawn here and there at the casino. He had spent around $1200 at the Hard Rock over a period of about a month. Here's the thing about Ryan, he loves money. It's all he cares about. So if he's losing it, he'll stop. Here's the other thing about Ryan, he desperatly wants people to like him and think he's a big deal. So he loves to act like he has lots of money, a disposable income. My guess is that all that money wasn't spent on playing poker. In previous Craig's List ads that I saw of his, he was willing to spend so much as $300 an hour to have these women do various things. I'm convinced that I was probably cheated on many occasions...
These flash backs are simply infuriating to me. I'm pissed that I didn't put a nail in the coffin sooner. I'm pissed that I am having to fight so hard to keep Addison safe from this man. Keep her from getting hurt by him or even worse, turning out like him. He doesn't want her. It's obvious. He didn't even spend time with her when we lived under the same roof. I wish he would just give up. I wish I had let him drive his car off the road that day. Addison would be better off..
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Chapter8: Everything Truly does happen for a reason
If i had a dime for every time I've asked the question "why is this happening to me?" I'd be rich.
Instead, I'm broke, unhappy with my job, and battling a constant struggle to keep it together. I am, however, finally realizing why things are the way that they are. Years ago, I had many friends pass away. And at that time I couldn't grasp the reason why God was letting this happen. I'm still not entirely sure, but I think it was to make me stronger, to prepare me for the war that I am now fighting. I used to fight with Ryan because he was absent. I would try to make him a better father and fiance. I would try to make him wake up and see how easy he had it and how lucky he was to have such a beautiful daughter and a woman who did everything for him. A woman/man shouldn't have to point these things out. I understand we as humans tend to take things for granted in life but life should never be taken for granted. My father almost died 3 years ago. The doctor said it was a miracle he made it. These things don't just happen. God knew my mother and I needed him. He knew my life was going to turn upside down and that i would need my dad.
I've often wondered why I ever met Ryan. Why did I have to meet a man that was so evil and full of lies...a damn criminal... Because i met him, I have the most beautiful baby ever. My daughter brings me a joy that I will never be able to fully explain...A love that could never be duplicated. It hurt so much when I left her father. Not because of the pain he put me through, but because of the pain I could only foresee her experiencing and as she gets older. He has missed so many doctors appointments for her and forgets about so many others. I don't understand what kind of a parent does that. But luckily for Addison, she has so many people in her life that love her so much.
I completey get why I met Ryan now. I have the little girl I always dreamed about. I have my father still in my life and now hers. And now i have the opportunity to have true love. Yes, things are a bit backwards, but so worth it. I had a dream the night before i left Ryan. I was watching myself in it. I was in a house having friends over. I was serving some food at the table and a man came up behind me and hugged and kissed me. I had a smile like I've never had. I had a look of love that I didn't know existed. For quite some time I've felt that sort of thing is impossible. But I've learned so much in the past few months. I have friends that show Addi more attention and love than her own father ever has. It's sad and my heart breaks for her. But it's ok. A child just needs love. It doesn't matter where it comes from as long as it's there.
Thank you everyone for your love and support. Thank you for being my friends and family and lending a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. Thank you for showing Addi and I love...the true meaning of it.
Instead, I'm broke, unhappy with my job, and battling a constant struggle to keep it together. I am, however, finally realizing why things are the way that they are. Years ago, I had many friends pass away. And at that time I couldn't grasp the reason why God was letting this happen. I'm still not entirely sure, but I think it was to make me stronger, to prepare me for the war that I am now fighting. I used to fight with Ryan because he was absent. I would try to make him a better father and fiance. I would try to make him wake up and see how easy he had it and how lucky he was to have such a beautiful daughter and a woman who did everything for him. A woman/man shouldn't have to point these things out. I understand we as humans tend to take things for granted in life but life should never be taken for granted. My father almost died 3 years ago. The doctor said it was a miracle he made it. These things don't just happen. God knew my mother and I needed him. He knew my life was going to turn upside down and that i would need my dad.
I've often wondered why I ever met Ryan. Why did I have to meet a man that was so evil and full of lies...a damn criminal... Because i met him, I have the most beautiful baby ever. My daughter brings me a joy that I will never be able to fully explain...A love that could never be duplicated. It hurt so much when I left her father. Not because of the pain he put me through, but because of the pain I could only foresee her experiencing and as she gets older. He has missed so many doctors appointments for her and forgets about so many others. I don't understand what kind of a parent does that. But luckily for Addison, she has so many people in her life that love her so much.
I completey get why I met Ryan now. I have the little girl I always dreamed about. I have my father still in my life and now hers. And now i have the opportunity to have true love. Yes, things are a bit backwards, but so worth it. I had a dream the night before i left Ryan. I was watching myself in it. I was in a house having friends over. I was serving some food at the table and a man came up behind me and hugged and kissed me. I had a smile like I've never had. I had a look of love that I didn't know existed. For quite some time I've felt that sort of thing is impossible. But I've learned so much in the past few months. I have friends that show Addi more attention and love than her own father ever has. It's sad and my heart breaks for her. But it's ok. A child just needs love. It doesn't matter where it comes from as long as it's there.
Thank you everyone for your love and support. Thank you for being my friends and family and lending a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. Thank you for showing Addi and I love...the true meaning of it.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Chapter 7: An update
It's been quite awhile since I've posted so I figure I better do so before the next post is a novel.
Let's start with Addison. We went up to Boston February 14th and 15th to meet with a few doctors and get some tests done. Day one started off pretty crazy. I had not heard for certain whether or not Ryan was going to be attending these appointments until at 8:30 in the morning I recieved a text from him saying he wanted to meet up to make sure we ended up in the same place. Dammit. So him and his father Dave ended up showing at her first appointment which was with a doctor to look at her hands. Addison has what is called Hypoplastic thumbs. Basically her thumbs did not form properly. One of them is much larger than the other and one is much stronger. This doctor suggested that Addison has surgery to strengthen them. He referred us to a surgeon in Tampa. At this point the docor wrote the referral and Ryan immediaty snached the paper from his hand proclaiming that he would be calling to make an appointment for Addison. The doctor said goodbye and left the room. From then on all hell broke loose. I informed ryan that I would be the one making the appointment since I always have and since he does not have Addison. That basically led into an argument which resulted in nearby doctors overhearing and me having to call security.
So Addison had 2 more appointments to attend that day. When I arrived at the first of the two, I spoke with the receptionist and informed her that I had a conversation with the head of security and that she was to give him a call. Of course Ryan and his dad were sitting right there and heard the conversation...which honestly was quite amusing. Ryan came up to me and asked what was going on. He then told me that his lawyer told him if he feels uncomfortable at all at any point that he should just leave. So he tells me that he is leaving. I toldhim to go right ahead but pointed out what a shame it is that he can't put his daughter before himself. So he stayed. We then sat in the waiting room. Two minutes later, security came and asked to speak with me. I went into a separate room where there was one security guard and one undercover cop. They wanted to know what exactly had happened at addison's last appointment but had already heard a bit because the doctor had called him as well. They told me that they were basically too busy to have a guard at the rest of Addison's appointments but that they would be letting the staff know to keep an eye on Ryan.
I left and went back into the waiting room where ryan and Dave sat shocked. dave asked me what was going on and wanted to know why there was an undercover cop carrying a gun. HA HA. I simply said i didn't feel safe being alone with them after their behavior at the previous appintment. So, Dave eventually tracked down security and had a talk with them. I have no idea what was said but I don't think it mattered.
The rest of Addison's appointments for the day went well. She saw physical therapy and occupational therapy. The occupational was to see how well she uses her fingers and hands and to learn new exercises to do with her to strengthen her hands. They also made her a little cast that she has to wear at bedtime that would help straighten her wrist. Hers is a little curved. Physical therapy wanted to see how Addison moves around and test her abdominal strength. Tha appointment couldn't have gone better. They said that everything I have been doing with her has been great and to keep it up.. The were surprised that she was even getting around the way that she is :)
The next day Addison had an MRI. This was done from the waist down to see exactly what she has. I just found out the results to this a couple weeks ago. Brace yourself.
Addison as most of you know was pretty much born without femurs (thigh bones). Her left side has a tiny tiny bit of one. Her right side has none at all. In addition to that, her right hip did not form. She also has clubbed feet. They point straight down as if she were wearing ballet slippers. So hear's the deal. We were thinking of fixing her feet so that she could at least try to walk on them. Problem is, he rlegs are very different in length. And because she does not have a right hip there isn't enough to support weight on that side. Also, it's her tendons and muscles that are pulling her feet back the way that they are. So if we were to fix them now, they would just grow back that way over time. So it would just end up being an unneccessary surgery. The doctor that reviewed her MRI actually had the opportunity to go over it with about a dozen doctors from all over the world. They all seemed to agree that we should wait and see how Addison progresses over time. Any surgery done now would and could only just harm her and cause additional suffering. So, as far as we know Addison will be bound to a wheelchair. For the time being though, i am going to get in contact with Arnold Palmer Hospital and have her meet with prothstetics so Addison could at least try to stand and just put her weight on one side. As for her hands, we met with the surgeon in Tampa and he feels there is no need for surgery. Thank God.
Let's start with Addison. We went up to Boston February 14th and 15th to meet with a few doctors and get some tests done. Day one started off pretty crazy. I had not heard for certain whether or not Ryan was going to be attending these appointments until at 8:30 in the morning I recieved a text from him saying he wanted to meet up to make sure we ended up in the same place. Dammit. So him and his father Dave ended up showing at her first appointment which was with a doctor to look at her hands. Addison has what is called Hypoplastic thumbs. Basically her thumbs did not form properly. One of them is much larger than the other and one is much stronger. This doctor suggested that Addison has surgery to strengthen them. He referred us to a surgeon in Tampa. At this point the docor wrote the referral and Ryan immediaty snached the paper from his hand proclaiming that he would be calling to make an appointment for Addison. The doctor said goodbye and left the room. From then on all hell broke loose. I informed ryan that I would be the one making the appointment since I always have and since he does not have Addison. That basically led into an argument which resulted in nearby doctors overhearing and me having to call security.
So Addison had 2 more appointments to attend that day. When I arrived at the first of the two, I spoke with the receptionist and informed her that I had a conversation with the head of security and that she was to give him a call. Of course Ryan and his dad were sitting right there and heard the conversation...which honestly was quite amusing. Ryan came up to me and asked what was going on. He then told me that his lawyer told him if he feels uncomfortable at all at any point that he should just leave. So he tells me that he is leaving. I toldhim to go right ahead but pointed out what a shame it is that he can't put his daughter before himself. So he stayed. We then sat in the waiting room. Two minutes later, security came and asked to speak with me. I went into a separate room where there was one security guard and one undercover cop. They wanted to know what exactly had happened at addison's last appointment but had already heard a bit because the doctor had called him as well. They told me that they were basically too busy to have a guard at the rest of Addison's appointments but that they would be letting the staff know to keep an eye on Ryan.
I left and went back into the waiting room where ryan and Dave sat shocked. dave asked me what was going on and wanted to know why there was an undercover cop carrying a gun. HA HA. I simply said i didn't feel safe being alone with them after their behavior at the previous appintment. So, Dave eventually tracked down security and had a talk with them. I have no idea what was said but I don't think it mattered.
The rest of Addison's appointments for the day went well. She saw physical therapy and occupational therapy. The occupational was to see how well she uses her fingers and hands and to learn new exercises to do with her to strengthen her hands. They also made her a little cast that she has to wear at bedtime that would help straighten her wrist. Hers is a little curved. Physical therapy wanted to see how Addison moves around and test her abdominal strength. Tha appointment couldn't have gone better. They said that everything I have been doing with her has been great and to keep it up.. The were surprised that she was even getting around the way that she is :)
The next day Addison had an MRI. This was done from the waist down to see exactly what she has. I just found out the results to this a couple weeks ago. Brace yourself.
Addison as most of you know was pretty much born without femurs (thigh bones). Her left side has a tiny tiny bit of one. Her right side has none at all. In addition to that, her right hip did not form. She also has clubbed feet. They point straight down as if she were wearing ballet slippers. So hear's the deal. We were thinking of fixing her feet so that she could at least try to walk on them. Problem is, he rlegs are very different in length. And because she does not have a right hip there isn't enough to support weight on that side. Also, it's her tendons and muscles that are pulling her feet back the way that they are. So if we were to fix them now, they would just grow back that way over time. So it would just end up being an unneccessary surgery. The doctor that reviewed her MRI actually had the opportunity to go over it with about a dozen doctors from all over the world. They all seemed to agree that we should wait and see how Addison progresses over time. Any surgery done now would and could only just harm her and cause additional suffering. So, as far as we know Addison will be bound to a wheelchair. For the time being though, i am going to get in contact with Arnold Palmer Hospital and have her meet with prothstetics so Addison could at least try to stand and just put her weight on one side. As for her hands, we met with the surgeon in Tampa and he feels there is no need for surgery. Thank God.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)