What if...
What if I never met ryan. Then where would I be? I wouldn't have addi.. That's about all I know. I imagine I would still be in Tampa. Maybe serving still? I don't know. Before I had Addison I was focused on becoming a teacher. I already had a degree in graphic design, but after subbing at a friends school, I realized how rewarding it was working with children. Maybe that's where I would be. But would my life really have purpose? When Addison was born, I felt like I understood why I was put on this earth. Up until then I felt worthless.
Lately though, I've kind of felt the same. Addison is my life, the love and light of it, so don't misunderstand me.
But I've recently decided to finally seek counseling. Funny enough, I've been less stressed and even more confident with the whole ryan/legal thing. But I feel like now it's time I establish who I am.
What I've learned by going is that I am codependent. Meaning, for me, that I've put others before myself. I haven't completely done what I want or when I want because I'm constantly concerned about who I'll upset or what someone else might want instead. Well, no more.
My life is beyond busy and is quite exhausting. I take addi to a special needs school two days a week, physical therapy another day, and an orthopedist another. Add in a possible prosthesis appointment here and there, physiatrist, and pediatrician. Then, I work 5-6 nights a week. I also try to work out 4-5 days a week. Can you say crazy schedule?! So where is my time to relax?
Well, I haven't taken any time. Even in dating I'd give up whatever free time I had left. But there I was again being codependent. The small amount of free time I had was going to someone else. So now, I'm adament about ME. I've had time to just collect my thoughts, make a plan for my life, save money and hopefully get into a home for just Addi and I and more importantly a routine. I feel like once these things are accomplished then I can truly be happy. Then, maybe there will be room to let another life in. I can't lie, i see everyone on FB getting married and having babies and being in these beautiful relationships and I wish it was me too. Not because i can't find someone, but because I feel like I'm not there yet. I'm actually afraid of myself, of the decisions I make. It's funny though, because I get compliments all the time about what a great mom I am, and what a great catch I am. But it's very difficult to see when you've been through what I have. Ryan told me every single day how much he loved me and how beautiful I am. Yet, he chose gambling and prostitutes over me. This is where I'm scarred. This is where I hope counseling will help. I want so badly to believe the compliments I receive.
My life certainly hit rock bottom in the past 2 years. But I think I'm beginning to start a new. I'm less obsessed with all the legal stuff and getting rid of Ryan, and more in tune with the way things are going to work out. Yes, I hope Addi no longer has to be around the Lawrence assholes, but a judge will rule in a way that I have no control over and I'll just have to deal with that. So, now I'm working on going back to school and getting another degree so I can work a job that will provide enough and still give the flexibility to take Addi to all her appointments. Once we get a house, consistent income, and a routine, I truly think I will have overcome my trauma. Ryan took my life, I'm getting it back.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Chapter 11: He's a victim, now I'm one..Who's next?
I just spent quite a bit of time at a book store reading all kinds of psychological books. I had to make myself stop because I actually started to feel bad for Ryan and his brother. I'll be honest, I'm fueled by anger and passion completely. The last thing I want to do is let my guard down. So I picked up a book called The Boy who was Raised as a Dog. It's different stories about children who have been traumatized in different ways. As I read the stories I paid close attention to the behavior of their actions as they grew older. They all experienced depression, anxiety, fear, and low self worth. Ryan has had three psychological evaluations in the last 4 years. The most important was the last, the psycho-sexual exam. As mentioned before, it was more than important that he have this done if he was to be allowed around Addison. As we know, it said he has no risk of sexually abusing Addi. Just says he needs to be supervised. He's been granted temporary supervision by his parents. I can spend hours, reading all Ryan's reports, reading about all his crimes, and want to vomit while I do it. But I can't read about his parents. There's nothing. From what I see, no arrests or anything. Isn't it safe to say though that children are a product of their environment? The report he had done while he was incarcerated stated that he has signs of PTSD. His last evaluation does not say that, however mentions all of his symptoms...which are that of PTSD.
fear, worry, sadness, anger, feeling alone and apart from others, feeling as if people are looking down on them, low self-worth, and not being able to trust others
behaviors such as aggression, out-of-place sexual behavior, self-harm, and abuse of drugs or alcohol
There was a night when I packed my bags. I had looked at Ryan's email and discovered he had been talking with prostitutes for a very long time. I had had it. I confronted him when he got home. He completely freaked out crying and begging me not to leave. He then started expressing fear. He stated that Addi was the only good thing he had ever done and also said something interesting. At that time I knew he was on probation. He told me it was because he got caught with marijuana. He starting crying and saying how afraid he was to go back to jail. I was so confused. I calmed him down and reassured him that it would never happen because he's not smoking pot. So why was he worried about going back?
Of course we know the answer now. Was it maybe not his idea to hide his real criminal history from me? Was it the parents? He obviously knew he was breaking the law by being near Addison. They all did.
Addison has so much going on right now. She's i speech therapy once a week. I've asked Ryan countless times to learn baby sign language and he has not. I've said it in front of his supervisors on purpose so that maybe they will help. They have not. None of them attend her prosthetics appointments. Didn't even attend her wheel chair fitting. And he is consistently late with child support. These "supervisors" of his, his parents, how are they helping? I thought that's what they are supposed to be there for. Their son has needed help for years. When he was arrested back in 2007 he saw a psychologist. According to the report, Ryan was recommended any help. Fast forward to now. He can't be alone with his daughter, he violated his probation on 4 counts, and since then has committed tax fraud, wire tapping and doesn't pay support. All crimes. Where the fuck are his parents?!?!
I am a victim of a sociopath. Correction, sociopaths. My hardship is moving from a town I loved, attorney fees out the ass, working at night instead of a 9-5 so I can attend all my daughter's doctors appointments and spend all day teaching her, and sharing a bedroom with a barely 2 year old. This is nothing. One day maybe I'll move somewhere I love. One day those fees will end. I love spending all day with my daughter, and I love waking up every morning to hearing her yell "MAMA!!!!" at me across the room from her crib.
My life is beautiful because I have an amazing family and support system and the most wonderful daughter.
Addison's life is wonderful because she has amazing family and all my friends. She even has the hearts of the strangers she meets at the grocery store.
What will she have when she is traumatized?...the common conclusion of a person like Ryan that exhibits his traits is childhood sexual abuse. Ryan's parents don't hold a criminal record, but Ryan and his brother are living proof of one. I'm fighting. Hard...
There was a night when I packed my bags. I had looked at Ryan's email and discovered he had been talking with prostitutes for a very long time. I had had it. I confronted him when he got home. He completely freaked out crying and begging me not to leave. He then started expressing fear. He stated that Addi was the only good thing he had ever done and also said something interesting. At that time I knew he was on probation. He told me it was because he got caught with marijuana. He starting crying and saying how afraid he was to go back to jail. I was so confused. I calmed him down and reassured him that it would never happen because he's not smoking pot. So why was he worried about going back?
Of course we know the answer now. Was it maybe not his idea to hide his real criminal history from me? Was it the parents? He obviously knew he was breaking the law by being near Addison. They all did.
Addison has so much going on right now. She's i speech therapy once a week. I've asked Ryan countless times to learn baby sign language and he has not. I've said it in front of his supervisors on purpose so that maybe they will help. They have not. None of them attend her prosthetics appointments. Didn't even attend her wheel chair fitting. And he is consistently late with child support. These "supervisors" of his, his parents, how are they helping? I thought that's what they are supposed to be there for. Their son has needed help for years. When he was arrested back in 2007 he saw a psychologist. According to the report, Ryan was recommended any help. Fast forward to now. He can't be alone with his daughter, he violated his probation on 4 counts, and since then has committed tax fraud, wire tapping and doesn't pay support. All crimes. Where the fuck are his parents?!?!
I am a victim of a sociopath. Correction, sociopaths. My hardship is moving from a town I loved, attorney fees out the ass, working at night instead of a 9-5 so I can attend all my daughter's doctors appointments and spend all day teaching her, and sharing a bedroom with a barely 2 year old. This is nothing. One day maybe I'll move somewhere I love. One day those fees will end. I love spending all day with my daughter, and I love waking up every morning to hearing her yell "MAMA!!!!" at me across the room from her crib.
My life is beautiful because I have an amazing family and support system and the most wonderful daughter.
Addison's life is wonderful because she has amazing family and all my friends. She even has the hearts of the strangers she meets at the grocery store.
What will she have when she is traumatized?...the common conclusion of a person like Ryan that exhibits his traits is childhood sexual abuse. Ryan's parents don't hold a criminal record, but Ryan and his brother are living proof of one. I'm fighting. Hard...
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Chapter 10: 1 to 365
This past August 27th was exactly one year since I left Ryan. I honestly can't believe it's been that long already.
Funny enough, I feel a lot better, yet still feel lost. I left a life of loneliness, wonder, sadness, and a life I didn't have much control over. Now, I am free from him and his family having the almighty decision, but because I chose to be so blind or live in denial, I no longer trust myself. I know when it comes to Addison I am doing everything great. But in my life, I question it all. I question my friends, my family, and even the guests that come into my work. I actually wonder how well I am functioning. I fear that people who don't even know me see just how fucked up I am. Back in December Ryan and I had a hearing. He wanted to be able to attend Addison's surgery that she was having since he had not seen her since being in jail. I also wanted a psychologist to perform a psycho-sexual evaluation on him because of his crimes. The judge we had was all over the place that day. She condemned him half a dozen times yet allowed him to have supervised visitation by his parents. In the same breath that she said he needed to be evaluated, she said since the court didnn't know anything about me, that I should have a basic eval. fine.
So his eval was exactly as we expected. He's a sick bastard that's mentally screwed up beyond belief. (As the doctor put it in oh-so-many words) ha ha. Mine came out saying that I'm doing surprisingly well considering everything I have been through. It said I'm an exellant mother andperfectly fit to take care of Addison. However, it said I have mild depresson (situational) anxiety (situational) and paranoia (also situational). I can't believe a person can effect one's life in such a way that it causes these things. Alas, it's true. Things we experience in life can permenantly taint a person. I'm pissed that I feel the way I do. I would love to be able to live my daily life without question. I mean it's bad enough that I live with the guilt for what all of this is doing to my family, now i have trust issues too? Ugh...
On the brighter side, I think things are getting better..or at least looking like they will. I have a good job and recently got a promotion that I'll start training for soon. Addi is in her prosthetics and doing exceptionally well. Her pink wheel chair should be done by the end of this month =) And Ryan is doing everything he possibly can to hurt any chance of the judge finding him to be a decent person/dad. He has not attended a single doctor's visit in months. Not even her wheel chair appointments or prosthetics appointments. Addison has speech therapy every week and he does not even bother to ask what he needs to know. I told him over a month ago that Addi is learning baby sign language and that he needs to learn too. At his last visitation I asked him if he had. He said NO and that he would just look it up on YOUTUBE!...not at all a reliable site. In addition to all that, he was so delinquent on child support that his lisence was about to be suspended. His most recent?...WIRETAPPING...For those of you that don't know, recording someone without their consent in the state of florida is illegal. It would appear as though he misses wearing that bright orange jumpsuit and those shiny bracelets...ha ha. All of this of course helps Addison and I.
I wish more than anything that he was a good father however. I dread the day when Addison figures out just how little interest he has in her. I can only imagine the pain it will cause. So I'm hoping for one of two things to happen. A) the judge realizes what a waste he is to her life and gives me sole custody or B) He just goes away. Either way then, I can just make up some lie to her later. I could tell her that he died in a bad accident or tell her that he's saving sick orphans in another country or something. I would honestly rather her think those lies than let her live knowing what selfish scum he is. Could you imagine finding out your dad has a criminal history involving child porn?! Oh the therapy.....
Funny enough, I feel a lot better, yet still feel lost. I left a life of loneliness, wonder, sadness, and a life I didn't have much control over. Now, I am free from him and his family having the almighty decision, but because I chose to be so blind or live in denial, I no longer trust myself. I know when it comes to Addison I am doing everything great. But in my life, I question it all. I question my friends, my family, and even the guests that come into my work. I actually wonder how well I am functioning. I fear that people who don't even know me see just how fucked up I am. Back in December Ryan and I had a hearing. He wanted to be able to attend Addison's surgery that she was having since he had not seen her since being in jail. I also wanted a psychologist to perform a psycho-sexual evaluation on him because of his crimes. The judge we had was all over the place that day. She condemned him half a dozen times yet allowed him to have supervised visitation by his parents. In the same breath that she said he needed to be evaluated, she said since the court didnn't know anything about me, that I should have a basic eval. fine.
So his eval was exactly as we expected. He's a sick bastard that's mentally screwed up beyond belief. (As the doctor put it in oh-so-many words) ha ha. Mine came out saying that I'm doing surprisingly well considering everything I have been through. It said I'm an exellant mother andperfectly fit to take care of Addison. However, it said I have mild depresson (situational) anxiety (situational) and paranoia (also situational). I can't believe a person can effect one's life in such a way that it causes these things. Alas, it's true. Things we experience in life can permenantly taint a person. I'm pissed that I feel the way I do. I would love to be able to live my daily life without question. I mean it's bad enough that I live with the guilt for what all of this is doing to my family, now i have trust issues too? Ugh...
On the brighter side, I think things are getting better..or at least looking like they will. I have a good job and recently got a promotion that I'll start training for soon. Addi is in her prosthetics and doing exceptionally well. Her pink wheel chair should be done by the end of this month =) And Ryan is doing everything he possibly can to hurt any chance of the judge finding him to be a decent person/dad. He has not attended a single doctor's visit in months. Not even her wheel chair appointments or prosthetics appointments. Addison has speech therapy every week and he does not even bother to ask what he needs to know. I told him over a month ago that Addi is learning baby sign language and that he needs to learn too. At his last visitation I asked him if he had. He said NO and that he would just look it up on YOUTUBE!...not at all a reliable site. In addition to all that, he was so delinquent on child support that his lisence was about to be suspended. His most recent?...WIRETAPPING...For those of you that don't know, recording someone without their consent in the state of florida is illegal. It would appear as though he misses wearing that bright orange jumpsuit and those shiny bracelets...ha ha. All of this of course helps Addison and I.
I wish more than anything that he was a good father however. I dread the day when Addison figures out just how little interest he has in her. I can only imagine the pain it will cause. So I'm hoping for one of two things to happen. A) the judge realizes what a waste he is to her life and gives me sole custody or B) He just goes away. Either way then, I can just make up some lie to her later. I could tell her that he died in a bad accident or tell her that he's saving sick orphans in another country or something. I would honestly rather her think those lies than let her live knowing what selfish scum he is. Could you imagine finding out your dad has a criminal history involving child porn?! Oh the therapy.....
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Chapter 9: Lie to me, baby
Sometimes I wonder if I have PTSD. I have flash backs on a very regular basis. It's almost like he is a ghost just constantly haunting me.
I was thinking about what is currently going on in our case today. Ryan was supposed to submit his financial information quite some time ago and of course has not. When we went to mediation back in January we discussed child support. Prior to this mediation Ryan claimed he was making $5,900 o month. When he showed up in January, he claimed his parents changed his income to $4,000 a month. Suspicious? You bet. When Ryan and I got a house together his parents supposedly raised his pay so we could better afford it. When we were at mediation he claimed they lowered it because the house was sold. Well his pay was lowered in November. The house, according to online records, didn't sell until the end of February. Ryan and I were arguing not too long ago and in so many words I accused him of not really caring about Addison. His response was since he is now paying child support clearly he cares about her. Some, most, of the things that escape his mouth blow my mind. I never realized the ability to write a check, one that is muc less than it should be, made someone a good parent.
The flashback that occured because of this was one hat happend not all that long after Addi was born. ryan was attending classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays at USF...supposedly of course. He would usually text me in between classes or evenwhile he was in them. One day, I couldn't get a hold him..at all. He wouldn't respond to anything. Even his parents called me asking where he was. An hour after he should have been home, he calls. I of course flipped. At this point I already knew that he had been on Craig's List. So the worse possible thoughts were going through my head. He told me that he skipped class that day and went to the Hard Rock casino instead and played poker all day. He said he won a bunch of money and that he was on his way home. Let me make this clear: I HATE MONEY. I only care to pay my bills and give Addison everything I possibly can. I only care about family, love, and being happy. It honestly killed me that he didn't tell me what he was going to do. It hurt even more that he decided gambling would be more enjoyable then spending time with his family. I voiced all these feelings to him. I also told him that I really didn't believe he was playing poker the whole time. I asked him specifically if he had met up with a craig's list hooker. He freaked and told me he never has and never will. He then proceeded to cry and tell me how he felt about ever having done that to me. He told me he was about to committ suicide and drive his car off the road...
...Looking back on this, I wish i hadn't talked him out of it. Honestly. At that time Itold him he was selfish and how could he even think about doing such a thing to his daughter. Truth be told, Addison would be better off without him. I know every child should have the opportunity to know both parents. But if one of them has nothing positive, nothing but possible harm to bring, then why should the child be subjected to that?
I later found that Ryan had been going to the Hard Rock fairly regularly. We had a joint bank account which I never looked at. I wouls ask if he was putting our money aside into savings and believed him when he said yes. I was waiting for a new check card to come in the mail at the time, so when I saw a letter from BB&T I assumed it was the card and opened the letter. There was no card,but there was a bank statement. $5 in savings. WTF?? I started looking over the statement. $400 withdrawn here and there at the casino. He had spent around $1200 at the Hard Rock over a period of about a month. Here's the thing about Ryan, he loves money. It's all he cares about. So if he's losing it, he'll stop. Here's the other thing about Ryan, he desperatly wants people to like him and think he's a big deal. So he loves to act like he has lots of money, a disposable income. My guess is that all that money wasn't spent on playing poker. In previous Craig's List ads that I saw of his, he was willing to spend so much as $300 an hour to have these women do various things. I'm convinced that I was probably cheated on many occasions...
These flash backs are simply infuriating to me. I'm pissed that I didn't put a nail in the coffin sooner. I'm pissed that I am having to fight so hard to keep Addison safe from this man. Keep her from getting hurt by him or even worse, turning out like him. He doesn't want her. It's obvious. He didn't even spend time with her when we lived under the same roof. I wish he would just give up. I wish I had let him drive his car off the road that day. Addison would be better off..
I was thinking about what is currently going on in our case today. Ryan was supposed to submit his financial information quite some time ago and of course has not. When we went to mediation back in January we discussed child support. Prior to this mediation Ryan claimed he was making $5,900 o month. When he showed up in January, he claimed his parents changed his income to $4,000 a month. Suspicious? You bet. When Ryan and I got a house together his parents supposedly raised his pay so we could better afford it. When we were at mediation he claimed they lowered it because the house was sold. Well his pay was lowered in November. The house, according to online records, didn't sell until the end of February. Ryan and I were arguing not too long ago and in so many words I accused him of not really caring about Addison. His response was since he is now paying child support clearly he cares about her. Some, most, of the things that escape his mouth blow my mind. I never realized the ability to write a check, one that is muc less than it should be, made someone a good parent.
The flashback that occured because of this was one hat happend not all that long after Addi was born. ryan was attending classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays at USF...supposedly of course. He would usually text me in between classes or evenwhile he was in them. One day, I couldn't get a hold him..at all. He wouldn't respond to anything. Even his parents called me asking where he was. An hour after he should have been home, he calls. I of course flipped. At this point I already knew that he had been on Craig's List. So the worse possible thoughts were going through my head. He told me that he skipped class that day and went to the Hard Rock casino instead and played poker all day. He said he won a bunch of money and that he was on his way home. Let me make this clear: I HATE MONEY. I only care to pay my bills and give Addison everything I possibly can. I only care about family, love, and being happy. It honestly killed me that he didn't tell me what he was going to do. It hurt even more that he decided gambling would be more enjoyable then spending time with his family. I voiced all these feelings to him. I also told him that I really didn't believe he was playing poker the whole time. I asked him specifically if he had met up with a craig's list hooker. He freaked and told me he never has and never will. He then proceeded to cry and tell me how he felt about ever having done that to me. He told me he was about to committ suicide and drive his car off the road...
...Looking back on this, I wish i hadn't talked him out of it. Honestly. At that time Itold him he was selfish and how could he even think about doing such a thing to his daughter. Truth be told, Addison would be better off without him. I know every child should have the opportunity to know both parents. But if one of them has nothing positive, nothing but possible harm to bring, then why should the child be subjected to that?
I later found that Ryan had been going to the Hard Rock fairly regularly. We had a joint bank account which I never looked at. I wouls ask if he was putting our money aside into savings and believed him when he said yes. I was waiting for a new check card to come in the mail at the time, so when I saw a letter from BB&T I assumed it was the card and opened the letter. There was no card,but there was a bank statement. $5 in savings. WTF?? I started looking over the statement. $400 withdrawn here and there at the casino. He had spent around $1200 at the Hard Rock over a period of about a month. Here's the thing about Ryan, he loves money. It's all he cares about. So if he's losing it, he'll stop. Here's the other thing about Ryan, he desperatly wants people to like him and think he's a big deal. So he loves to act like he has lots of money, a disposable income. My guess is that all that money wasn't spent on playing poker. In previous Craig's List ads that I saw of his, he was willing to spend so much as $300 an hour to have these women do various things. I'm convinced that I was probably cheated on many occasions...
These flash backs are simply infuriating to me. I'm pissed that I didn't put a nail in the coffin sooner. I'm pissed that I am having to fight so hard to keep Addison safe from this man. Keep her from getting hurt by him or even worse, turning out like him. He doesn't want her. It's obvious. He didn't even spend time with her when we lived under the same roof. I wish he would just give up. I wish I had let him drive his car off the road that day. Addison would be better off..
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Chapter8: Everything Truly does happen for a reason
If i had a dime for every time I've asked the question "why is this happening to me?" I'd be rich.
Instead, I'm broke, unhappy with my job, and battling a constant struggle to keep it together. I am, however, finally realizing why things are the way that they are. Years ago, I had many friends pass away. And at that time I couldn't grasp the reason why God was letting this happen. I'm still not entirely sure, but I think it was to make me stronger, to prepare me for the war that I am now fighting. I used to fight with Ryan because he was absent. I would try to make him a better father and fiance. I would try to make him wake up and see how easy he had it and how lucky he was to have such a beautiful daughter and a woman who did everything for him. A woman/man shouldn't have to point these things out. I understand we as humans tend to take things for granted in life but life should never be taken for granted. My father almost died 3 years ago. The doctor said it was a miracle he made it. These things don't just happen. God knew my mother and I needed him. He knew my life was going to turn upside down and that i would need my dad.
I've often wondered why I ever met Ryan. Why did I have to meet a man that was so evil and full of lies...a damn criminal... Because i met him, I have the most beautiful baby ever. My daughter brings me a joy that I will never be able to fully explain...A love that could never be duplicated. It hurt so much when I left her father. Not because of the pain he put me through, but because of the pain I could only foresee her experiencing and as she gets older. He has missed so many doctors appointments for her and forgets about so many others. I don't understand what kind of a parent does that. But luckily for Addison, she has so many people in her life that love her so much.
I completey get why I met Ryan now. I have the little girl I always dreamed about. I have my father still in my life and now hers. And now i have the opportunity to have true love. Yes, things are a bit backwards, but so worth it. I had a dream the night before i left Ryan. I was watching myself in it. I was in a house having friends over. I was serving some food at the table and a man came up behind me and hugged and kissed me. I had a smile like I've never had. I had a look of love that I didn't know existed. For quite some time I've felt that sort of thing is impossible. But I've learned so much in the past few months. I have friends that show Addi more attention and love than her own father ever has. It's sad and my heart breaks for her. But it's ok. A child just needs love. It doesn't matter where it comes from as long as it's there.
Thank you everyone for your love and support. Thank you for being my friends and family and lending a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. Thank you for showing Addi and I love...the true meaning of it.
Instead, I'm broke, unhappy with my job, and battling a constant struggle to keep it together. I am, however, finally realizing why things are the way that they are. Years ago, I had many friends pass away. And at that time I couldn't grasp the reason why God was letting this happen. I'm still not entirely sure, but I think it was to make me stronger, to prepare me for the war that I am now fighting. I used to fight with Ryan because he was absent. I would try to make him a better father and fiance. I would try to make him wake up and see how easy he had it and how lucky he was to have such a beautiful daughter and a woman who did everything for him. A woman/man shouldn't have to point these things out. I understand we as humans tend to take things for granted in life but life should never be taken for granted. My father almost died 3 years ago. The doctor said it was a miracle he made it. These things don't just happen. God knew my mother and I needed him. He knew my life was going to turn upside down and that i would need my dad.
I've often wondered why I ever met Ryan. Why did I have to meet a man that was so evil and full of lies...a damn criminal... Because i met him, I have the most beautiful baby ever. My daughter brings me a joy that I will never be able to fully explain...A love that could never be duplicated. It hurt so much when I left her father. Not because of the pain he put me through, but because of the pain I could only foresee her experiencing and as she gets older. He has missed so many doctors appointments for her and forgets about so many others. I don't understand what kind of a parent does that. But luckily for Addison, she has so many people in her life that love her so much.
I completey get why I met Ryan now. I have the little girl I always dreamed about. I have my father still in my life and now hers. And now i have the opportunity to have true love. Yes, things are a bit backwards, but so worth it. I had a dream the night before i left Ryan. I was watching myself in it. I was in a house having friends over. I was serving some food at the table and a man came up behind me and hugged and kissed me. I had a smile like I've never had. I had a look of love that I didn't know existed. For quite some time I've felt that sort of thing is impossible. But I've learned so much in the past few months. I have friends that show Addi more attention and love than her own father ever has. It's sad and my heart breaks for her. But it's ok. A child just needs love. It doesn't matter where it comes from as long as it's there.
Thank you everyone for your love and support. Thank you for being my friends and family and lending a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. Thank you for showing Addi and I love...the true meaning of it.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Chapter 7: An update
It's been quite awhile since I've posted so I figure I better do so before the next post is a novel.
Let's start with Addison. We went up to Boston February 14th and 15th to meet with a few doctors and get some tests done. Day one started off pretty crazy. I had not heard for certain whether or not Ryan was going to be attending these appointments until at 8:30 in the morning I recieved a text from him saying he wanted to meet up to make sure we ended up in the same place. Dammit. So him and his father Dave ended up showing at her first appointment which was with a doctor to look at her hands. Addison has what is called Hypoplastic thumbs. Basically her thumbs did not form properly. One of them is much larger than the other and one is much stronger. This doctor suggested that Addison has surgery to strengthen them. He referred us to a surgeon in Tampa. At this point the docor wrote the referral and Ryan immediaty snached the paper from his hand proclaiming that he would be calling to make an appointment for Addison. The doctor said goodbye and left the room. From then on all hell broke loose. I informed ryan that I would be the one making the appointment since I always have and since he does not have Addison. That basically led into an argument which resulted in nearby doctors overhearing and me having to call security.
So Addison had 2 more appointments to attend that day. When I arrived at the first of the two, I spoke with the receptionist and informed her that I had a conversation with the head of security and that she was to give him a call. Of course Ryan and his dad were sitting right there and heard the conversation...which honestly was quite amusing. Ryan came up to me and asked what was going on. He then told me that his lawyer told him if he feels uncomfortable at all at any point that he should just leave. So he tells me that he is leaving. I toldhim to go right ahead but pointed out what a shame it is that he can't put his daughter before himself. So he stayed. We then sat in the waiting room. Two minutes later, security came and asked to speak with me. I went into a separate room where there was one security guard and one undercover cop. They wanted to know what exactly had happened at addison's last appointment but had already heard a bit because the doctor had called him as well. They told me that they were basically too busy to have a guard at the rest of Addison's appointments but that they would be letting the staff know to keep an eye on Ryan.
I left and went back into the waiting room where ryan and Dave sat shocked. dave asked me what was going on and wanted to know why there was an undercover cop carrying a gun. HA HA. I simply said i didn't feel safe being alone with them after their behavior at the previous appintment. So, Dave eventually tracked down security and had a talk with them. I have no idea what was said but I don't think it mattered.
The rest of Addison's appointments for the day went well. She saw physical therapy and occupational therapy. The occupational was to see how well she uses her fingers and hands and to learn new exercises to do with her to strengthen her hands. They also made her a little cast that she has to wear at bedtime that would help straighten her wrist. Hers is a little curved. Physical therapy wanted to see how Addison moves around and test her abdominal strength. Tha appointment couldn't have gone better. They said that everything I have been doing with her has been great and to keep it up.. The were surprised that she was even getting around the way that she is :)
The next day Addison had an MRI. This was done from the waist down to see exactly what she has. I just found out the results to this a couple weeks ago. Brace yourself.
Addison as most of you know was pretty much born without femurs (thigh bones). Her left side has a tiny tiny bit of one. Her right side has none at all. In addition to that, her right hip did not form. She also has clubbed feet. They point straight down as if she were wearing ballet slippers. So hear's the deal. We were thinking of fixing her feet so that she could at least try to walk on them. Problem is, he rlegs are very different in length. And because she does not have a right hip there isn't enough to support weight on that side. Also, it's her tendons and muscles that are pulling her feet back the way that they are. So if we were to fix them now, they would just grow back that way over time. So it would just end up being an unneccessary surgery. The doctor that reviewed her MRI actually had the opportunity to go over it with about a dozen doctors from all over the world. They all seemed to agree that we should wait and see how Addison progresses over time. Any surgery done now would and could only just harm her and cause additional suffering. So, as far as we know Addison will be bound to a wheelchair. For the time being though, i am going to get in contact with Arnold Palmer Hospital and have her meet with prothstetics so Addison could at least try to stand and just put her weight on one side. As for her hands, we met with the surgeon in Tampa and he feels there is no need for surgery. Thank God.
Let's start with Addison. We went up to Boston February 14th and 15th to meet with a few doctors and get some tests done. Day one started off pretty crazy. I had not heard for certain whether or not Ryan was going to be attending these appointments until at 8:30 in the morning I recieved a text from him saying he wanted to meet up to make sure we ended up in the same place. Dammit. So him and his father Dave ended up showing at her first appointment which was with a doctor to look at her hands. Addison has what is called Hypoplastic thumbs. Basically her thumbs did not form properly. One of them is much larger than the other and one is much stronger. This doctor suggested that Addison has surgery to strengthen them. He referred us to a surgeon in Tampa. At this point the docor wrote the referral and Ryan immediaty snached the paper from his hand proclaiming that he would be calling to make an appointment for Addison. The doctor said goodbye and left the room. From then on all hell broke loose. I informed ryan that I would be the one making the appointment since I always have and since he does not have Addison. That basically led into an argument which resulted in nearby doctors overhearing and me having to call security.
So Addison had 2 more appointments to attend that day. When I arrived at the first of the two, I spoke with the receptionist and informed her that I had a conversation with the head of security and that she was to give him a call. Of course Ryan and his dad were sitting right there and heard the conversation...which honestly was quite amusing. Ryan came up to me and asked what was going on. He then told me that his lawyer told him if he feels uncomfortable at all at any point that he should just leave. So he tells me that he is leaving. I toldhim to go right ahead but pointed out what a shame it is that he can't put his daughter before himself. So he stayed. We then sat in the waiting room. Two minutes later, security came and asked to speak with me. I went into a separate room where there was one security guard and one undercover cop. They wanted to know what exactly had happened at addison's last appointment but had already heard a bit because the doctor had called him as well. They told me that they were basically too busy to have a guard at the rest of Addison's appointments but that they would be letting the staff know to keep an eye on Ryan.
I left and went back into the waiting room where ryan and Dave sat shocked. dave asked me what was going on and wanted to know why there was an undercover cop carrying a gun. HA HA. I simply said i didn't feel safe being alone with them after their behavior at the previous appintment. So, Dave eventually tracked down security and had a talk with them. I have no idea what was said but I don't think it mattered.
The rest of Addison's appointments for the day went well. She saw physical therapy and occupational therapy. The occupational was to see how well she uses her fingers and hands and to learn new exercises to do with her to strengthen her hands. They also made her a little cast that she has to wear at bedtime that would help straighten her wrist. Hers is a little curved. Physical therapy wanted to see how Addison moves around and test her abdominal strength. Tha appointment couldn't have gone better. They said that everything I have been doing with her has been great and to keep it up.. The were surprised that she was even getting around the way that she is :)
The next day Addison had an MRI. This was done from the waist down to see exactly what she has. I just found out the results to this a couple weeks ago. Brace yourself.
Addison as most of you know was pretty much born without femurs (thigh bones). Her left side has a tiny tiny bit of one. Her right side has none at all. In addition to that, her right hip did not form. She also has clubbed feet. They point straight down as if she were wearing ballet slippers. So hear's the deal. We were thinking of fixing her feet so that she could at least try to walk on them. Problem is, he rlegs are very different in length. And because she does not have a right hip there isn't enough to support weight on that side. Also, it's her tendons and muscles that are pulling her feet back the way that they are. So if we were to fix them now, they would just grow back that way over time. So it would just end up being an unneccessary surgery. The doctor that reviewed her MRI actually had the opportunity to go over it with about a dozen doctors from all over the world. They all seemed to agree that we should wait and see how Addison progresses over time. Any surgery done now would and could only just harm her and cause additional suffering. So, as far as we know Addison will be bound to a wheelchair. For the time being though, i am going to get in contact with Arnold Palmer Hospital and have her meet with prothstetics so Addison could at least try to stand and just put her weight on one side. As for her hands, we met with the surgeon in Tampa and he feels there is no need for surgery. Thank God.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Chapter 6: that's what you get when you let your heart win
August 11th 2010
I'm having an internal conflict. I swear I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. Ryan and I are getting married in 2 months. I don't think I'm ready. There have been so many red flags and I just seem to keep ignoring them or making excuses. Why? Yes I have an 8 month old daughter Addison Lynn. Would I really want to separate her and have to go through custody? God no. She is my everything. I would never hurt her. I'm afraid though that she will just grow up in a house with parents who only fight all the time and who don't trust each other. A child shouldn't see that. Right now, I'm miserable. I love ryan but am I really head over heals? I think I could write a novel on all the things he has said or done to crush me.
I first discovered the worse back on November. But nothing else has proven better. Isn't that reason to leave? Should Addison even have to grow up with a mom who is unhappy?
When I was pregnant ryan went out all the time and left me at home. Just two weeks before she was born I caught him soliciting sex on craigslist. He promised it would never happen again. I stayed. Addi was born with lots of complications. Ryan really stepped up. He acted like a man. We were so happy once we finally got her home. Ryan didn't end up goin back to work until a few weeks after the new year. A few weeks later I ended up having to have many eye surgeries all due to my diabetes. During that time I just didnt feel.....taken care of.
When you are in a relationship it becomes a team of two. Instead, ryan and I became a joint bank account.
Ryan proposed at the end of February. We went to las Vegas for a little get away. He ended up proposing to me in the bathroom of our hotel. Cute.
Fast forward to may. I discovered that ryan never stopped going online. I also found out that instead of going to class he was blowing hundreds of dollars of our money at the hard rock casino. He also decides to add a nitrous kit to his car. He told me he was doing it but said it would "only" cost $300 total. Yeah, I found out it ended up costing almost $1,000 when all was said and done. I can't help but notice this pattern that just worries/terrifies me. If I marry him will I be lied to forever? This isn't even half the hurt.
August 26th 2010
11:30 at night and I'm home alone...again. He told me he wasn't going out at all this week. Is he out? Well, he had an 8:30 game tonight. He told me he was going to stay after for 30 minutes an just have one drink. Hmmm it's been way past 30 min. I feel like a single mom right now. I might as well be one. I had a dream I was. In it, I was dating. The man in the dream was wonderful. Tall, great shape. Smiled alot, brought me flowers, really made me feel loved. Really really loved. Like he couldn't imagine life without me. Like I came first....before alcohol and hookers. Ha ha (couldn't help myself)
I met ryan for dinner tonight before his hockey game. I thought it was going to be just him and I, a little family dinner. Instead, I get there and his mother was there. She didn't talk to me at all. Ryan went to the bathroom twice an neither time did she utter a word to me. I had to be the one to make conversation. Otherwise we would've sat in silence. Can you say 'grow up!'??
I'm so upset! I feel so alone! I told ryan about his mom and he just shrugged it off. I guarantee if his mom said that about me I'd get yelled at. It's friend me against ryan and his family. My parents worry about me all the time and they are right to do so. I don't go a day without wondering if ryan is cheating on me. Should I really have to live like this? It's now 11:45...still alone.
He came home at 12. Sounds drunk as hell. He says that because I get to go out on Saturday (which NEVER happens) and because he was at work early, that he wanted to spend the rest of the night with his boys. I I'm going to be guilt tripped for going out do I even want to go?
I always envisioned a man that would have a long hard day that would be excited to come home to his family. That would pick me up and kiss me the second he walked in the door.
He mentioned when he got home tonight that it's because of me fighting with him that he leaves. I fight with him because I'm hurt. It's like he would rather go out than be with me. And it's not fighting, it's emoting. I'm sad, and I'm expressing it. I told him how I felt again about tonights dinner. He thought dinner was nice.
What the fuck am I doing in this relationship? I've had dreams about my wedding. Every dream is a nightmare. They are always just off...wrong...things missing. I'm so afraid to marry him. I need to just rip off the band aid.
I just want to be happy...
Present time.
The night of that last journal entry I ended up discovering that ryan had been looking up prostitutes while staying at a co workers beach house the weekend of my bridal shower. I left him the next morning.
I happened to stumble upon this journal and read these two entries. I'm so pissed off right now. I can't believe I stayed with him as long as I did.
So why is all of this happening? I'm thinking it's because I'm an idiot that needs to learn how to be more aware. I need to learn how to be able to just "cut it off" if I don't like it. I've always put up with things in relationships. I've got to quit that. Obviously no one is perfect. But we all have an idea of how we would like to be treated. I want someone motivated, with a life, a sports fan, dog lover, someone who calls or texts to see how my day is. I don't want someone who kisses my ass but I want to feel truly cares about. And most importantly someone who will love Addison. It's not easy being a single mom. So I need a man. A real man that considers reality. My daughter will always come first, so the man in my life has to be man enough to understand and support that.
Ryan was never truly a man. I've never heard of a proposal story where the guy didn't put some serious though into how he was going to do it. Just spur of the moment in a bathroom. We didn't even celebrate that night.
Just can't believe I put myself and my family through all this shit...
I'm having an internal conflict. I swear I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. Ryan and I are getting married in 2 months. I don't think I'm ready. There have been so many red flags and I just seem to keep ignoring them or making excuses. Why? Yes I have an 8 month old daughter Addison Lynn. Would I really want to separate her and have to go through custody? God no. She is my everything. I would never hurt her. I'm afraid though that she will just grow up in a house with parents who only fight all the time and who don't trust each other. A child shouldn't see that. Right now, I'm miserable. I love ryan but am I really head over heals? I think I could write a novel on all the things he has said or done to crush me.
I first discovered the worse back on November. But nothing else has proven better. Isn't that reason to leave? Should Addison even have to grow up with a mom who is unhappy?
When I was pregnant ryan went out all the time and left me at home. Just two weeks before she was born I caught him soliciting sex on craigslist. He promised it would never happen again. I stayed. Addi was born with lots of complications. Ryan really stepped up. He acted like a man. We were so happy once we finally got her home. Ryan didn't end up goin back to work until a few weeks after the new year. A few weeks later I ended up having to have many eye surgeries all due to my diabetes. During that time I just didnt feel.....taken care of.
When you are in a relationship it becomes a team of two. Instead, ryan and I became a joint bank account.
Ryan proposed at the end of February. We went to las Vegas for a little get away. He ended up proposing to me in the bathroom of our hotel. Cute.
Fast forward to may. I discovered that ryan never stopped going online. I also found out that instead of going to class he was blowing hundreds of dollars of our money at the hard rock casino. He also decides to add a nitrous kit to his car. He told me he was doing it but said it would "only" cost $300 total. Yeah, I found out it ended up costing almost $1,000 when all was said and done. I can't help but notice this pattern that just worries/terrifies me. If I marry him will I be lied to forever? This isn't even half the hurt.
August 26th 2010
11:30 at night and I'm home alone...again. He told me he wasn't going out at all this week. Is he out? Well, he had an 8:30 game tonight. He told me he was going to stay after for 30 minutes an just have one drink. Hmmm it's been way past 30 min. I feel like a single mom right now. I might as well be one. I had a dream I was. In it, I was dating. The man in the dream was wonderful. Tall, great shape. Smiled alot, brought me flowers, really made me feel loved. Really really loved. Like he couldn't imagine life without me. Like I came first....before alcohol and hookers. Ha ha (couldn't help myself)
I met ryan for dinner tonight before his hockey game. I thought it was going to be just him and I, a little family dinner. Instead, I get there and his mother was there. She didn't talk to me at all. Ryan went to the bathroom twice an neither time did she utter a word to me. I had to be the one to make conversation. Otherwise we would've sat in silence. Can you say 'grow up!'??
I'm so upset! I feel so alone! I told ryan about his mom and he just shrugged it off. I guarantee if his mom said that about me I'd get yelled at. It's friend me against ryan and his family. My parents worry about me all the time and they are right to do so. I don't go a day without wondering if ryan is cheating on me. Should I really have to live like this? It's now 11:45...still alone.
He came home at 12. Sounds drunk as hell. He says that because I get to go out on Saturday (which NEVER happens) and because he was at work early, that he wanted to spend the rest of the night with his boys. I I'm going to be guilt tripped for going out do I even want to go?
I always envisioned a man that would have a long hard day that would be excited to come home to his family. That would pick me up and kiss me the second he walked in the door.
He mentioned when he got home tonight that it's because of me fighting with him that he leaves. I fight with him because I'm hurt. It's like he would rather go out than be with me. And it's not fighting, it's emoting. I'm sad, and I'm expressing it. I told him how I felt again about tonights dinner. He thought dinner was nice.
What the fuck am I doing in this relationship? I've had dreams about my wedding. Every dream is a nightmare. They are always just off...wrong...things missing. I'm so afraid to marry him. I need to just rip off the band aid.
I just want to be happy...
Present time.
The night of that last journal entry I ended up discovering that ryan had been looking up prostitutes while staying at a co workers beach house the weekend of my bridal shower. I left him the next morning.
I happened to stumble upon this journal and read these two entries. I'm so pissed off right now. I can't believe I stayed with him as long as I did.
So why is all of this happening? I'm thinking it's because I'm an idiot that needs to learn how to be more aware. I need to learn how to be able to just "cut it off" if I don't like it. I've always put up with things in relationships. I've got to quit that. Obviously no one is perfect. But we all have an idea of how we would like to be treated. I want someone motivated, with a life, a sports fan, dog lover, someone who calls or texts to see how my day is. I don't want someone who kisses my ass but I want to feel truly cares about. And most importantly someone who will love Addison. It's not easy being a single mom. So I need a man. A real man that considers reality. My daughter will always come first, so the man in my life has to be man enough to understand and support that.
Ryan was never truly a man. I've never heard of a proposal story where the guy didn't put some serious though into how he was going to do it. Just spur of the moment in a bathroom. We didn't even celebrate that night.
Just can't believe I put myself and my family through all this shit...
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