Chapter 11: He's a victim, now I'm one..Who's next?

  I just spent quite a bit of time at a book store reading all kinds of psychological books.  I had to make myself stop because I actually started to feel bad for Ryan and his brother.  I'll be honest, I'm fueled by anger and passion completely.  The last thing I want to do is let my guard down.  So I picked up a book called The Boy who was Raised as a Dog.  It's different stories about children who have been traumatized in different ways.  As I read the stories I paid close attention to the behavior of their actions as they grew older.  They all experienced depression, anxiety, fear, and low self worth.  Ryan has had three psychological evaluations in the last 4 years.  The most important was the last, the psycho-sexual exam.  As mentioned before, it was more than important that he have this done if he was to be allowed around Addison.  As we know, it said he has no risk of sexually abusing Addi.  Just says he needs to be supervised.  He's been granted temporary supervision by his parents.  I can spend hours, reading all Ryan's reports, reading about all his crimes, and want to vomit while I do it.  But I can't read about his parents.  There's nothing.  From what I see, no arrests or anything.  Isn't it safe to say though that children are a product of their environment?  The report he had done while he was incarcerated stated that he has signs of PTSD.  His last evaluation does not say that, however mentions all of his symptoms...which are that of PTSD. 

fear, worry, sadness, anger, feeling alone and apart from others, feeling as if people are looking down on them, low self-worth, and not being able to trust others

behaviors such as aggression, out-of-place sexual behavior, self-harm, and abuse of drugs or alcohol

There was a night when I packed my bags.  I had looked at Ryan's email and discovered he had been talking with prostitutes for a very long time.  I had had it.  I confronted him when he got home.  He completely freaked out crying and begging me not to leave.  He then started expressing fear.  He stated that Addi was the only good thing he had ever done and also said something interesting.  At that time I knew he was on probation.  He told me it was because he got caught with marijuana.  He starting crying and saying how afraid he was to go back to jail.  I was so confused.  I calmed him down and reassured him that it would never happen because he's not smoking pot.  So why was he worried about going back?

Of course we know the answer now.  Was it maybe not his idea to hide his real criminal history from me? Was it the parents?  He obviously knew he was breaking the law by being near Addison.  They all did.

Addison has so much going on right now.  She's i speech therapy once a week.  I've asked Ryan countless times to learn baby sign language and he has not.  I've said it in front of his supervisors on purpose so that maybe they will help.  They have not.  None of them attend her prosthetics appointments.  Didn't even attend her wheel chair fitting. And he is consistently late with child support. These "supervisors" of his, his parents, how are they helping?  I thought that's what they are supposed to be there for.  Their son has needed help for years.  When he was arrested back in 2007 he saw a psychologist.  According to the report, Ryan was recommended any help.  Fast forward to now.  He can't be alone with his daughter, he violated his probation on 4 counts, and since then has committed tax fraud, wire tapping and doesn't pay support.  All crimes.  Where the fuck are his parents?!?!

I am a victim of a sociopath. Correction, sociopaths.  My hardship is moving from a town I loved, attorney fees out the ass, working at night instead of a 9-5 so I can attend all my daughter's doctors appointments and spend all day teaching her, and sharing a bedroom with a barely 2 year old.  This is nothing.  One day maybe I'll move somewhere I love.  One day those fees will end.  I love spending all day with my daughter, and I love waking up every morning to hearing her yell "MAMA!!!!" at me across the room from her crib. 

 My life is beautiful because I have an amazing family and support system and the most wonderful daughter. 
Addison's life is wonderful because she has amazing family and all my friends.  She even has the hearts of the strangers she meets at the grocery store.

What will she have when she is traumatized?...the common conclusion of a person like Ryan that exhibits his traits is childhood sexual abuse.  Ryan's parents don't hold a criminal record, but Ryan and his brother are living proof of one.  I'm fighting. Hard...

Chapter 10: 1 to 365

This past August 27th was exactly one year since I left Ryan.  I honestly can't believe it's been that long already.

  Funny enough, I feel a lot better, yet still feel lost.  I left a life of loneliness, wonder, sadness, and a life I didn't have much control over.  Now, I am free from him and his family having the almighty decision, but because I chose to be so blind or live in denial, I no longer trust myself.  I know when it comes to Addison I am doing everything great.  But in my life, I question it all.  I question my friends, my family, and even the guests that come into my work.  I actually wonder how well I am functioning.  I fear that people who don't even know me see just how fucked up I am.  Back in December Ryan and I had a hearing.  He wanted to be able to attend Addison's surgery that she was having since he had not seen her since being in jail.  I also wanted a psychologist to perform a psycho-sexual evaluation on him because of his crimes.  The judge we had was all over the place that day.  She condemned him half a dozen times yet allowed him to have supervised visitation by his parents.  In the same breath that she said he needed to be evaluated, she said since the court didnn't know anything about me, that I should have a basic eval. fine.

   So his eval was exactly as we expected.  He's a sick bastard that's mentally screwed up beyond belief. (As the doctor put it in oh-so-many words) ha ha.  Mine came out saying that I'm doing surprisingly well considering everything I have been through.  It said I'm an exellant mother andperfectly fit to take care of Addison.  However, it said I have mild depresson (situational) anxiety (situational) and paranoia (also situational).  I can't believe a person can effect one's life in such a way that it causes these things.  Alas, it's true. Things we experience in life can permenantly taint a person.  I'm pissed that I feel the way I do.  I would love to be able to live my daily life without question. I mean it's bad enough that I live with the guilt for what all of this is doing to my family, now i have trust issues too? Ugh...

 On the brighter side, I think things are getting better..or at least looking like they will.  I have a good job and recently got a promotion that I'll start training for soon.  Addi is in her prosthetics and doing exceptionally well.  Her pink wheel chair should be done by the end of this month =) And Ryan is doing everything he possibly can to hurt any chance of the judge finding him to be a decent person/dad.  He has not attended a single doctor's visit in months.  Not even her wheel chair appointments or prosthetics appointments.  Addison has speech therapy every week and he does not even bother to ask what he needs to know.  I told him over a month ago that Addi is learning baby sign language and that he needs to learn too.  At his last visitation I asked him if he had.  He said NO and that he would just look it up on YOUTUBE!...not at all a reliable site. In addition to all that, he was so delinquent on child support that his lisence was about to be suspended.  His most recent?...WIRETAPPING...For those of you that don't know, recording someone without their consent in the state of florida is illegal.  It would appear as though he misses wearing that bright orange jumpsuit and those shiny bracelets...ha ha.  All of this of course helps Addison and I. 

  I wish more than anything that he was a good father however. I dread the day when Addison figures out just how little interest he has in her.  I can only imagine the pain it will cause.  So I'm hoping for one of two things to happen.  A) the judge realizes what a waste he is to her life and gives me sole custody or B) He just goes away.  Either way then, I can just make up some lie to her later.  I could tell her that he died in a bad accident or tell her that he's saving sick orphans in another country or something.  I would honestly rather her think those lies than let her live knowing what selfish scum he is. Could you imagine finding out your dad has a criminal history involving child porn?! Oh the therapy.....

Chapter 9: Lie to me, baby

Sometimes I wonder if I have PTSD. I have flash backs on a very regular basis.  It's almost like he is a ghost just constantly haunting me.
 
I was thinking about what is currently going on in our case today.  Ryan was supposed to submit his financial information quite some time ago and of course has not.  When we went to mediation back in January we discussed child support.  Prior to this mediation Ryan claimed he was making $5,900 o month. When he showed up in January, he claimed his parents changed his income to $4,000 a month.  Suspicious? You bet.  When Ryan and I got a house together his parents supposedly raised his pay so we could better afford it.  When we were at mediation he claimed they lowered it because the house was sold.  Well his pay was lowered in November.  The house, according to online records, didn't sell until the end of February.  Ryan and I were arguing not too long ago and in so many words I accused him of not really caring about Addison.  His response was since he is now paying child support clearly he cares about her.  Some, most, of the things that escape his mouth blow my mind.  I never realized the ability to write a check, one that is muc less than it should be, made someone a good parent.
 
The flashback that occured because of this was one hat happend not all that long after Addi was born.  ryan was attending classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays at USF...supposedly of course.  He would usually text me in between classes or evenwhile he was in them.  One day, I couldn't get a hold him..at all.  He wouldn't respond to anything.  Even his parents called me asking where he was.  An hour after he should have been home, he calls.  I of course flipped.  At this point I already knew that he had been on Craig's List.  So the worse possible thoughts were going through my head.  He told me that he skipped class that day and went to the Hard Rock casino instead and played poker all day.  He said he won a bunch of money and that he was on his way home.  Let me make this clear: I HATE MONEY.  I only care to pay my bills and give Addison everything I possibly can.  I only care about family, love, and being happy.  It honestly killed me that he didn't tell me what he was going to do.  It hurt even more that he decided gambling would be more enjoyable then spending time with his family.  I voiced all these feelings to him.  I also told him that I really didn't believe he was playing poker the whole time. I asked him specifically if he had met up with a craig's list hooker.  He freaked and told me he never has and never will.  He then proceeded to cry and tell me how he felt about ever having done that to me.  He told me he was about to committ suicide and drive his car off the road...
 
...Looking back on this, I wish i hadn't talked him out of it. Honestly.  At that time Itold him he was selfish and how could he even think about doing such a thing to his daughter.  Truth be told, Addison would be better off without him.  I know every child should have the opportunity to know both parents.  But if one of them has nothing positive, nothing but possible harm to bring, then why should the child be subjected to that?
 
I later found that Ryan had been going to the Hard Rock fairly regularly.  We had a joint bank account which I never looked at.  I wouls ask if he was putting our money aside into savings and believed him when he said yes.  I was waiting for a new check card to come in the mail at the time, so when I saw a letter from BB&T I assumed it was the card and opened the letter.  There was no card,but there was a bank statement.  $5 in savings. WTF?? I started looking over the statement.  $400 withdrawn here and there at the casino.  He had spent around $1200 at the Hard Rock over a period of about a month.  Here's the thing about Ryan, he loves money.  It's all he cares about.  So if he's losing it, he'll stop.  Here's the other thing about Ryan, he desperatly wants people to like him and think he's a big deal.  So he loves to act like he has lots of money, a disposable income.  My guess is that all that money wasn't spent on playing poker.  In previous Craig's List ads that I saw of his, he was willing to spend so much as $300 an hour to have these women do various things.  I'm convinced that I was probably cheated on many occasions...
These flash backs are simply infuriating to me.  I'm pissed that I didn't put a nail in the coffin sooner.  I'm pissed that I am having to fight so hard to keep Addison safe from this man.  Keep her from getting hurt by him or even worse, turning out like him.  He doesn't want her. It's obvious.  He didn't even spend time with her when we lived under the same roof.  I wish he would just give up.  I wish I had let him drive his car off the road that day.  Addison would be better off..

Chapter8: Everything Truly does happen for a reason

If i had a dime for every time I've asked the question "why is this happening to me?" I'd be rich.

Instead, I'm broke, unhappy with my job, and battling a constant struggle to keep it together.  I am, however, finally realizing why things are the way that they are.  Years ago, I had many friends pass away.  And at that time I couldn't grasp the reason why God was letting this happen.  I'm still not entirely sure, but I think it was to make me stronger, to prepare me for the war that I am now fighting.  I used to fight with Ryan because he was absent. I would try to make him a better father and fiance.  I would try to make him wake up and see how easy he had it and how lucky he was to have such a beautiful daughter and a woman who did everything for him.  A woman/man shouldn't have to point these things out.  I understand we as humans tend to take things for granted in life but life should never be taken for granted.  My father almost died 3 years ago. The doctor said it was a miracle he made it.  These things don't just happen.  God knew my mother and I needed him.  He knew my life was going to turn upside down  and that i would need my dad. 

I've often wondered why I ever met Ryan. Why did I have to meet a man that was so evil and full of lies...a damn criminal... Because i met him, I have the most beautiful baby ever.  My daughter brings me a joy that I will never be able to fully explain...A love that could never be duplicated.  It hurt so much when I left her father.  Not because of the pain he put me through, but because of the pain I could only foresee her experiencing and as she gets older.  He has missed so many doctors appointments for her and forgets about so many others.  I don't understand what kind of a parent  does that.  But luckily for Addison, she has so many people in her life that love her so much.

I completey get why I met Ryan now.  I have the little girl I always dreamed about.  I have my father still in my life and now hers.  And now i have the opportunity to have true love.  Yes, things are a bit backwards, but so worth it.  I had a dream the night before i left Ryan.  I was watching myself in it.  I was in a house having friends over.  I was serving some food at the table and a man came up behind me and hugged and kissed me. I had a smile like I've never had.  I had a look of love that I didn't know existed.  For quite some time I've felt that sort of thing is impossible. But I've learned so much in the past few months. I have friends that show Addi more attention and love than her own father ever has.  It's sad and my heart breaks for her.  But it's ok.  A child just needs love. It doesn't matter where it comes from as long as it's there. 

Thank you everyone for your love and support.  Thank you for being my friends and family and lending a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen.  Thank you for showing Addi and I love...the true meaning of it.

Chapter 7: An update

It's been quite awhile since I've posted so I figure I better do so before the next post is a novel.

Let's start with Addison.  We went up to Boston February 14th and 15th to  meet with a few doctors and get some tests done.  Day one started off pretty crazy.  I had not heard for certain whether or not Ryan was going to be attending these appointments until at 8:30 in the morning I recieved a text from him saying he wanted to meet up to make sure we ended up in the same place. Dammit. So him and his father Dave ended up showing at her first appointment which was with a doctor to look at her hands.  Addison has what is called Hypoplastic thumbs.  Basically her thumbs did not form properly.  One of them is much larger than the other and one is much stronger.  This doctor suggested that Addison has surgery to strengthen them.   He referred us to a surgeon in Tampa. At this point the docor wrote the referral and Ryan immediaty snached the paper from his hand proclaiming that he would be calling to make an appointment for Addison.  The doctor said goodbye and left the room. From then on all hell broke loose.  I informed ryan that I would be the one making the appointment since I always have and since he does not have Addison.  That basically led into an argument which resulted in nearby doctors overhearing and me having to call security. 

So Addison had 2 more appointments to attend that day.  When I arrived at the first of the two, I spoke with the receptionist and informed her that I had a conversation with the head of security and that she was to give him a call.  Of course Ryan and his dad were sitting right there and heard the conversation...which honestly was quite amusing.  Ryan came up to me and asked what was going on.  He then told me that his lawyer told him if he feels uncomfortable at all at any point that he should just leave.  So he tells me that he is leaving.  I toldhim to go right ahead but pointed out what a shame it is that he can't put his daughter before himself.  So he stayed.  We then sat in the waiting room.  Two minutes later, security came and asked to speak with me.  I went into a separate room where there was one security guard and one undercover cop.  They wanted to know what exactly had happened at addison's last appointment but had already heard a bit because the doctor had called him as well.  They told me that they were basically too busy to have a guard at the rest of Addison's appointments but that they would be letting the staff know to keep an eye on Ryan. 

I left and went back into the waiting room where ryan and Dave sat shocked.  dave asked me what was going on and wanted to know why there was an undercover cop carrying a gun. HA HA. I simply said i didn't feel safe being alone with them after their behavior at the previous appintment.  So, Dave eventually tracked down security and had a talk with them.  I have no idea what was said but I don't think it mattered. 

The rest of Addison's appointments for the day went well.  She saw physical therapy and occupational therapy.  The occupational was to see how well she uses her fingers and hands and to learn new exercises to do with her to strengthen her hands. They also made her a little cast that she has to wear at bedtime that would help straighten her wrist.  Hers is a little curved.  Physical therapy wanted to see how Addison moves around and test her abdominal strength.  Tha appointment couldn't have gone better.  They said that everything I have been doing with her has been great and to keep it up.. The were surprised that she was even getting around the way that she is :)

The next day Addison had an MRI.  This was done from the waist down to see exactly what she has.  I just found out the results to this a couple weeks ago.  Brace yourself.
Addison as most of you know was pretty much born without femurs (thigh bones).  Her left side has a tiny tiny bit of one.  Her right side has none at all.  In addition to that, her right hip did not form.  She also has clubbed feet.  They point straight down as if she were wearing ballet slippers.  So hear's the deal.  We were thinking of fixing her feet so that she could at least try to walk on them.  Problem is, he rlegs are very different in length.  And because she does not have a right hip there isn't enough to support weight on that side.  Also, it's her tendons and muscles that are pulling her feet back the way that they are.  So if we were to fix them now, they would just grow back that way over time.  So it would just end up being an unneccessary surgery.  The doctor that reviewed her MRI actually had the opportunity to go over it with about a dozen doctors from all over the world.  They all seemed to agree that we should wait and see how Addison progresses over time.  Any surgery done now would and could only just harm her and cause additional suffering. So, as far as we know Addison will be bound to a wheelchair. For the time being though, i am going to get in contact with Arnold Palmer Hospital and have her meet with prothstetics so Addison could at least try to stand and just put her weight on one side.  As for her hands, we met with the surgeon in Tampa and he feels there is no need for surgery. Thank God.

Chapter 6: that's what you get when you let your heart win

August 11th 2010

I'm having an internal conflict. I swear I'm about to have a nervous breakdown. Ryan and I are getting married in 2 months. I don't think I'm ready. There have been so many red flags and I just seem to keep ignoring them or making excuses. Why? Yes I have an 8 month old daughter Addison Lynn. Would I really want to separate her and have to go through custody? God no. She is my everything. I would never hurt her. I'm afraid though that she will just grow up in a house with parents who only fight all the time and who don't trust each other. A child shouldn't see that. Right now, I'm miserable. I love ryan but am I really head over heals? I think I could write a novel on all the things he has said or done to crush me.

I first discovered the worse back on November. But nothing else has proven better. Isn't that reason to leave? Should Addison even have to grow up with a mom who is unhappy?

When I was pregnant ryan went out all the time and left me at home. Just two weeks before she was born I caught him soliciting sex on craigslist. He promised it would never happen again. I stayed. Addi was born with lots of complications. Ryan really stepped up. He acted like a man. We were so happy once we finally got her home. Ryan didn't end up goin back to work until a few weeks after the new year. A few weeks later I ended up having to have many eye surgeries all due to my diabetes. During that time I just didnt feel.....taken care of.

When you are in a relationship it becomes a team of two. Instead, ryan and I became a joint bank account.

Ryan proposed at the end of February. We went to las Vegas for a little get away. He ended up proposing to me in the bathroom of our hotel. Cute.

Fast forward to may. I discovered that ryan never stopped going online. I also found out that instead of going to class he was blowing hundreds of dollars of our money at the hard rock casino. He also decides to add a nitrous kit to his car. He told me he was doing it but said it would "only" cost $300 total. Yeah, I found out it ended up costing almost $1,000 when all was said and done. I can't help but notice this pattern that just worries/terrifies me. If I marry him will I be lied to forever? This isn't even half the hurt.

August 26th 2010

11:30 at night and I'm home alone...again. He told me he wasn't going out at all this week. Is he out? Well, he had an 8:30 game tonight. He told me he was going to stay after for 30 minutes an just have one drink. Hmmm it's been way past 30 min. I feel like a single mom right now. I might as well be one. I had a dream I was. In it, I was dating. The man in the dream was wonderful. Tall, great shape. Smiled alot, brought me flowers, really made me feel loved. Really really loved. Like he couldn't imagine life without me. Like I came first....before alcohol and hookers. Ha ha (couldn't help myself)

I met ryan for dinner tonight before his hockey game. I thought it was going to be just him and I, a little family dinner. Instead, I get there and his mother was there. She didn't talk to me at all. Ryan went to the bathroom twice an neither time did she utter a word to me. I had to be the one to make conversation. Otherwise we would've sat in silence. Can you say 'grow up!'??

I'm so upset! I feel so alone! I told ryan about his mom and he just shrugged it off. I guarantee if his mom said that about me I'd get yelled at. It's friend me against ryan and his family. My parents worry about me all the time and they are right to do so. I don't go a day without wondering if ryan is cheating on me. Should I really have to live like this? It's now 11:45...still alone.

He came home at 12. Sounds drunk as hell. He says that because I get to go out on Saturday (which NEVER happens) and because he was at work early, that he wanted to spend the rest of the night with his boys. I I'm going to be guilt tripped for going out do I even want to go?

I always envisioned a man that would have a long hard day that would be excited to come home to his family. That would pick me up and kiss me the second he walked in the door.

He mentioned when he got home tonight that it's because of me fighting with him that he leaves. I fight with him because I'm hurt. It's like he would rather go out than be with me. And it's not fighting, it's emoting. I'm sad, and I'm expressing it. I told him how I felt again about tonights dinner. He thought dinner was nice.

What the fuck am I doing in this relationship? I've had dreams about my wedding. Every dream is a nightmare. They are always just off...wrong...things missing. I'm so afraid to marry him. I need to just rip off the band aid.

I just want to be happy...


Present time.

The night of that last journal entry I ended up discovering that ryan had been looking up prostitutes while staying at a co workers beach house the weekend of my bridal shower. I left him the next morning.

I happened to stumble upon this journal and read these two entries. I'm so pissed off right now. I can't believe I stayed with him as long as I did.

So why is all of this happening? I'm thinking it's because I'm an idiot that needs to learn how to be more aware. I need to learn how to be able to just "cut it off" if I don't like it. I've always put up with things in relationships. I've got to quit that. Obviously no one is perfect. But we all have an idea of how we would like to be treated. I want someone motivated, with a life, a sports fan, dog lover, someone who calls or texts to see how my day is. I don't want someone who kisses my ass but I want to feel truly cares about. And most importantly someone who will love Addison. It's not easy being a single mom. So I need a man. A real man that considers reality. My daughter will always come first, so the man in my life has to be man enough to understand and support that.

Ryan was never truly a man. I've never heard of a proposal story where the guy didn't put some serious though into how he was going to do it. Just spur of the moment in a bathroom. We didn't even celebrate that night.

Just can't believe I put myself and my family through all this shit...

Chapter 5

It's February 1st. I just dropped Addison off with her father for the day. I've seriously had the most awful thoughts go through my head. I don't think him or his parents would do anything bad to her, but I just don't know. I mean, how is ryan and his brother so messed up? They were both raised mostly by their mother. The dad was in the army and constantly gone. The brother has an addiction to oxycontin and has allegedly taken a knife to his parents. Ryan has now been in jail three times in the past 4 years. The first time was for downloading and distribution of child pornography. The second was for a failed drug test while on probation. He smoked pot. The third time was this past September for 33 days. He stayed in jail because he wasn't allowed to be near children under the age of 18. He was still on probation and never informed his probation officer that he had a child. So basically he falsified documents to the court. He was also soliciting prostitution on craigslist. How am I not to blame his mother? Children are a product of their parents. People are constantly pointing out how happy Addison always is. I pride myself in the way I am raising her. I plan on keeping her happy and healthy an preventing anything bad from happening to her as best I can. So what on earth did Ryan's mother do to screw up her kids so bad? And now, today, my little girl is in these people's possession. Yes, I am freaking out a little.

Not to mention, every time I see Ryan I just want to vomit. I sent him an extremely long e-mail 2 weeks ago informing him of everything he needed to pick up for Addison while he has her. He called me last night asking what he needed to get. What the heck? I gave him two weeks! And it was all written down! Does this sound like someone who is ready to care for a child? I'm going with no.

Chapter 4

I think things are starting to get better, maybe even be coming to a close.  Yesterday I took Addison to two doctor's appointments.  One was her helmet check up and the other was her check up for her Cleft Palette surgery.  Her father was supposed to attend both.  He called 10 min before her first appointment at 8:30 and said he was in traffic.  The man lives 6 miles away from this doctor.  I live 80 miles away.  Needless to say, he never made it.  He did however attend her 10:30 appointment.  The doctor said that Addison has completely recovered and that if we want, she doesn't have to wear the helmet anymore.  She still has some room for growth in her helmet so it's going to stay on for a couple more weeks.  Just to try and get her head extra perfect. ha ha.  Anyways, her doctor was explaining some things that we should work on that will help with her speech post surgery.  Ryan decided to text the entire time and not bother to pay attention. 

I know I need to try and keep from being so stressed out.  But I can't help but be infuriated that I am living this life less desirable because of this man.  I make calls to doctors and set appointments all the time.  I take notes and ask questions so that I can give Addison the best care possible.  I have a degree but can't use it because I dont have time to work a 9-5 job because I am constantly driving to doctors all the time.  All of this is worth it of course for Addison.  But dammit, it pisses me off that I have to fight so hard against her father and he is costing my family and I so much pain and money and for what?! He clearly doesn't care about her.   Ok, that was my rant for the day.

Story continued:

Addison was transferred to All Children's Hospital in St. Petersburg.  She did nothing but make outstanding progress while she was there.  Three days after she was born I was finally released and able to go to St. Pete to be with her.  My parents were the ones who brought me.  I was so excited! I was still in extreme pain but managed to take a shower by myself and get dressed.  When we left the hospital we had to go pick up my prescriptions for pain killers.  Unfortunatly, my doctor is a moron and didnt sign the prescriptions. So we had to drive to his office and then go get them filled.  By the time we got them I was in extreme pain.  Eventually we made it.  Ryan wasn't there because he was supposedly taking his final exams.

My mom walked me into the NICU where Addison was staying.   I just stood there and looked at her.  I managed to convince her nurse to let me hold her.  So I sat in my wheel chair and had blankets proped up under my arm to take some pressure off of holding Addison up.  She was awake for a little but soon fell asleep.  I must have been tired as well because I fell asleep too! Ha ha.  But it was so great. Such an amazing feeling to have this beautiful little baby sleeping in my arms. 

That night Ryan and I stayed across the street from the hospital at The Ronald McDonald house.   It was later in the evening and Ryan's parents as well as his brother showed up.  So we went to see Addison again.  Since only two people at a time were allowed I took Ryan's brother Matthewin to see her.  Except, when we walked in she wasn't there.  I of course freaked out.  Eventually a nurse explained to me that she had been moved to transitional care.  This was incredible news! It meant she was improving and her tests were positive.  At that moment I discovered what tears of joy truly meant.

The next night Ryan and I stayed at a hotel because he didn't care for the other place.  Addison continued to improve.  The night after that was our company holiday party so we attended that after visiting Addison of course.  We went back to our home the next morning.  Over the next few days Ryan and I traveled to St. Pete to spend time with our little girl.  My parents had also been coming to see her and stayed at our house almost the entire time Addison was in the NICU. 

One day, ryan told me he was sick of driving out there.  That he was exhausted from everything.  I of course wanted to sleep there, but they wouldn't let me.  So my dad came from Orlando and went with me to see her.  When we arrived we discovered that she passed her new born hearing test.  This was pretty much the last test that had to be done before she could be released.  She also had to be able to eat from a bottle.  We spent all day there. 

What I will never understand to this day though is why Ryan didn't go.  Of course he was tired. Like I wasn't?  What parent wouldn't be there for thier child?  It just makes me think about the surgery she just had back in December.  He took me to court to be able to have the right to attend.  The judge granted him permission but said he had to be supervised by his dad.  Ryan showed up, waited in the waiting room and then left when she was out.  He saw her for ten minutes and left.  He said he wanted to go back to work.  He then came back at 3:30.  Addison was sleeping on me.  So he spent 10 minutes harassing me.  Then they left.  What is wrong with this man?!

Anyways, after 10 days we were able to bring Addison home from All Children's.  Soon after, we started follow up visits and constant conversations with specialists.  I think I cried everyday.  All I knew was that Addison would certainly need surgery.  Many in fact.  I knew her cleft could be repaired and that it was pretty common.  But she was born without her femurs.  No thighs. None.  It's hard enough being a woman.  We are constantly critcizing ourselves as well as others.  Guys can be extremely cruel as well as kids.  The first thing that popped into my head was, 'what if no one asks Addison to homecomeing or the prom because she is different?'.  Honestly, that's what I thought of.  Besides all the pain she will physically endure, I'm actually more concerned with the emotional.  I don't want people pointing and laughing or making fun of her or coming up with nicknames.  She's so beautiful and so smart, but I know others will overlook that. 

It's amazing how our minds and bodies function.  For a few months after we got Addison home I was nuts.  I was honestly terrified of being by myself at night.  Ryan went out a lot and played on a hockey league at night so I was by myself probably 3 nights a week.  I remember begging him to just skip his games every now and then.  I explained to him how I was feeling but nothing was more important to him than playing on his D league hockey team...  I honestly paced around the house and just cried.  There was something about being left alone that I just couldn't handle.  Which, is not normal for me, I like being by myself. 

I should have left him then.  I should have been smart.  I knew about the Craig's List stuff, and now here I was taking care of a new born by myself while he went out.  That's not love.  If he went out once a week I would understand.  If I wasn't a mess I would understand.  I truly believe he thinks the world revolves around him.  Poor Addison, she will never come 1st in his life.....

Chapter 3

Addison Lynn was born on December 7, 2009 at 10:23pm. 

      For almost 2 weeks leading up to her birth I had been experiencing severe headaches and had been vomiting here and there.  I asked my doctor about it and he said that was fairly normal and that I could take a Tylenol.  But the headaches were almost unbearable.  I was horribly sensitive to light and sound.  All I wanted to do was close my eyes and lay in bed.  Ryan's mom pointed out that headaches were sometimes a sign of high blood pressure.  So on the night of Addison's birth, Ryan and I went to the grocery store to get someone to make for dinner.  We then ran over to Walgreen's to get my blood pressure read.  I can't remember what it was, but it was much higher than it should have been.  So I called the on-call doctor associated with my doctor's practice.  When I spoke to the doctor and explained what was going on he informed me that I might possibly have pre-eclempsia and that if I do I would have to have a Cesarean birth that night.  Eclempsia is very dangerous, it's when the placenta becomes poisonous and can make you and your baby sick and can even lead to death.

   Sure enough, I had pre-eclempsia.  The nurse had me all hooked up and explained how the birth would go.  She told me I would feel no pain at all.  In fact, the most pain I had that night was the little IV that was inserted in the vain in my hand.  I was given a spinal to numb me from the chest down.  It honestly felt like someone just poked my back with their finger.  It was nothing.  Trust me, I'm a huge wuss.  The only bad part so far was that my adrenaline was at an all time high, along with my blood pressure, and that caused me to vomit during the majority of the surgery. 

   It was all so surreal.  I was actually relieved.  I wasn't looking forward to natural birth at all, and I had been feeling so awful that I knew all of this was good.  I stopped getting sick right before the doctors took Addison out of me.  Ryan was sitting right next to me.  We were suddenly so excited.  This was it, our baby girl was about to enter the world.  Then we heard it, her first little cry.  Then she stopped.  I didn't see her, nor Ryan.  Nothing was really said by anyone actually.  The doctors continued to finish up and a nurse came over and said that she was going to take Ryan upstairs to talk with him and that she would take Addison too.  When I asked why she said it was to talk about Addison's abnormalities.  Abnormalities? What abnormalities?!?!  I remember the look on the two nurses faces that were pushing the cart Addison was in.  They looked at me like I had eight heads.  Then they left.

   The doctors finished and a nurse started wheeling me out of the OR down the hall towards my recovery room.  I started vomiting again.  It became more of a dry heave since there was nothing left at all in me.  I then started asking questions.  She told me that Addison stopped breathing and they had to intibate her.  She also said that Addison had defects from the waist down.  I remember getting sick again and the nurse telling me I really needed to calm down, that my blood pressure was so high I could have a stroke.  I don't remember much after that.  We're pretty sure they just sedated me.  I remember once I was pushed into the room seeing Ryan sitting in a chair along a wall near my bed sitting with his mom and e was crying.  I asked if he was ok.  And they just kind of looked at me.  My parents were there as well as My best friend Nicole and her husband Stephen.  A doctor came in and started explaining the situation.  I remember him asking me if I understood.  I honestly have no idea what he said to this day.  I apparently passed out after he asked me if I understood.  The next morning I woke up and was alone.  Ryan walked in the room and said that Addison was being transferred to All Children's Hospital in St. Pete and that they would bring her to me before going. 

   Ryan's parents showed up a little after he told me this.  Then the hospital staff arrived with her.  Some guy was having me sign all these papers, which took entirely too long.  I was in fact getting rather irritated since I hadn't yet met my daughter.  Finally, they placed her in my arms.  5 pounds 4 ounces.  She looked like a little raisin.  A baby only 12 hours old was in my arms.  It's actually a bit terrifying.  But it was the most amazing feeling in the world.  Here was this little being that I created, that would forever change my life, that would now make my existence on this earth make sense.  I only held her for about five minutes then they had to go.

   The next few days were a whirl wind of information.  I was stuck staying in the hospital a few days and Ryan and our parents would travel to St. Pete to see Addison and update me on her progress.  What I didn't know was that her prognosis at birth was far worse than I was told.  Apparently, since she had stopped breathing and because her body from the waist down didn't fully develop, they were concerned that maybe her organs didn't form either.  The doctor that spoke with us the night of her birth had actually said he didn't know if she was going to live.

Chapter 2

Before I continue the story, let me just say something.  This blog is not for sympathy or anything like that.  I am not trying to make people realize how awful Ryan is either.  He can do that himself.  I am simply doing this because if feels good to write it all out.  I'm not going to lie though, the support/responses I've gotten from everyone truly touch my heart and makes me even stronger.  Also, I am hoping to create some traffic on this blog from my friends hopefully sharing these posts with others.  As most of you know, my daughter has a very rare disability (PFFD).  I hope this will help me network and possibly come up with more opportunites for her and even just learn a thing or two.

Story continued:

...My heart was racing.  I thought I was going to either vomit or pass out.  I stared in shock and amazement at these e-mails on his phone.  Were these real? Maybe fake junk mail? Ok, let me check his texts.  Everything seemed normal until I saw a number i didnt recognize.  The conversation was started by Ryan.  He asked 'how are you on this rainy day?'. She responded not knowing who he was.  He explained he was Ryan the guy she had messaged through Craig's List.  She then told him her name.  Get this, her name was Jennifer Lynn. Same as me.  The texts then ended.  I wonder if that made him feel guilty.  What I would think would make him feel really bad was the fact that he was laying next to me in bed when he was talking to her.

After reading this I went back into his email and read in detail everything that was being said.  He would respond to these women's postings with a personal resume of himself.  He would mostly lie.  He would say he was a college student that made very good money single and owned his own home.  He claimed he was very atletic and in excellent shape just looking for someone to hang out with or no strings attached. Single? Right...
I then read an ad he had responded to titled "2 bi fems play for you"
He asked how much it would cost, what they would be willing to do and told them when he was free.  No folks, I am not telling you about Tiger Woods, I swear.

I practically ran into the guest room where he was passed out.  I was crying so hard I could barely get a word out of my mouth.  I felt my heart pounding so hard i thought it might fall out.  And more than anything I was worried about the safety of my unborn child.  I thought for sure this stress was going to push me into early labor.  I tried to wake him.  I started screaming.  He woke and I told him that I knew what he had been doing.  I said 'I know what you have been doing on Craig's List!'.  He was still drunk.  He told me he was looking at houses.  Then he passed back out.

I didn't know what to do.  I called me best friend and her husband.  It was 3am by this point so they were sleeping.  I wanted to call me parents so bad.  But I couldn't freak them out like this.  I lived in Tampa and they were in Orlando.  My dad had open heart surgery 2 years prior; I just couldn't risk him having a heart attack.  My mom also has high blood pressure.  I was afraid that if I called them it would seriously effect thier health.  So I made one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made.  I called Ryan's parents.

His father picked up the phone.  I was hysterically crying and told him that Ryan has been doing something bad and that there must be something wrong with him.  I told him that Ryan has been soliciting prostitution Craig's List.  At that point Dave, Ryan's father, told me that him and his wife were coming over.  They arrived at the house at about 4am.  I showed them what i had found on Ryan's phone.  Dave then went upstairs to see if Ryan was awake.  He was passed out and there was no waking him.  The dog had even been barking.  His parents then suggested that I go to thier house.  So I did.  I took Ryan's phone and both sets of car keys. 

I didn't sleep a minute that night.  I sat up the remainder of the night with Dave and Sonya trying to figure out why Ryan would do this.  "Why would he sabotage a beautiful life?" his mother kept asking.  Right. Why?  Until a few months ago I couldn't figure it out either.  He went out all the time and I wouldn't say much.  He did whatever he wanted.  I cooked and cleaned for him.  I was never some prude that would complain of a headache or something either.  I thought I made him happy.  He told me every day how much he loved me.  He told every day how beautiful he thought I was and how excited he was for the birth of our daughter.  And he told me he couldn't wait to make me his wife.

It was hard to believe this was happening.  Around 9:30 Ryan's phone started ringing.  It was our house phone number.  He wasn't calling me.  He was more concerned as to where his prescious fucking phone was.  Ten minutes later he called me.  I didn't pick up.  At that point his dad said he was going over to my house to talk with Ryan and that I should stay put.

When Dave arrived, it freaked Ryan out.  He refused to talk to his father.  He kept calling me and texting begging me to pick up the phone and come home.  After 72 missed calls I picked up.  I told him he would have to talk to his dad before I would.  I told him I knew what he had been doing. He tried to play stupid and deny it.  I told him I had proof and to cut the bull shit.  He then admitted to it and said he never met up with any of them.  He also didn't know why he did it and that he loved me so much.  After 3 hours of Dave talking to Ryan I went home.

He was a mess.  He looked like complete shit from going out the night before and he was crying like a baby.  I sat in a rolling desk chair in front of him on the couch.  He pulled me close and layed his head in my lap.  He cried for what seemed like forever.  I told him how hurt I was. I asked what I did to deserve this treatment.  He said nothing.  He had no idea why he was looking up women online.  He promised he would never do it again and that he would close that particular e-mail account.  He then gave me his user name and passoword for his other e-mail account and told me I could go on it anytime so that he could prove that he wasn't doing it anymore. 

For the next few days he kissed my ass.  I wouldn't kiss him at all.  I honestly felt sick.  Here I was 3 weeks away from giving birth...Addison came into the world 10 days after all of this...

The Begining of a new life

You ever just stop what you're doing and ask 'is this really my life?'?  I've been doing this alot now and for a very long time.  One can interpret that question many ways.  It can be complete wonder as 'how did I get this lucky?' or 'where did I go wrong?' or 'why is this happening to me?'.  How do we answer those questions? Sure, a doctor becomes a doctor by going to med school and being determined and motivated.  But how does he or she really get there? By having a rich family? By coming from a family comprised primarily of doctors? Why does it happen?

I want to know why my life is the way it is.  I would really like to know how I became a 27 year old single mom to a baby with severe disabilties that currently lives with her parents with a college education and works as a server.  Lets face it, everyone is stereotyped in some way shape or form.  I am a white female only child that grew up in a middle upper class family.  I am very intelligent and extremely motivated.  So does it sound like I should be in the position that I am currently in? I don't think so.  Call me self righteous if you want, I don't care.

I assume that someone smart isn't capable of being fooled.  I am terribly wrong. 

I met Ryan while hanging out at a bar with mutual friends.  I honestly didn't think much at all when we met.  I thought he was cute but too short for my type.  A week later he had a party and I went with mutual friends.  From that night on, we started seeing each other.  I actually blew him off many times.  I was interested in someone else at the time so I didn't pay him much attention.  He remained patient and persistent asking me out all the time.  I was impressed by his efforts.  He'd visit me at work frequently and just really show how interested he was.  I fell for it. Dammit.

When we found out we were pregnant we decided we wanted the baby and loved each other very much.  We hadn't lived together yet, so I moved in with him and his roomates.  We then started searching for our own house to raise our future child in.  I learned alot living with roomates.  One of them was rather eager to point out Ryan's faults yet held back. 

There were so many red flags.  Ryan would go out all the time.  I was left bored and lonely more often than not.  There would be times I couldn't get a hold of him at all.  It was a pretty stressful pregnancy.  We moved into our own home September of '09.  Our daughter was due in December.

At the end of November Ryan went to a hockey game with friends and rode with them.  It was getting late and I hadn't heard from him so I called the person who drove.  He had been home for half an hour.  So where was Ryan? He apparently asked to be dropped off at a bar downtown.  I would never have a problem with this.  Just give me a heads up so I'm not worried.  Well, I called numerous times and he didn't pick up.  Eventually he called me back wasted out of his mind and demanding that I drive 40 min in the middle of the night while I was 9 months pregnant to pick him up.  I refused of course, so he got a ride from a friend.  When he got home he was so drunk he didnt know up from down so he passed out in the guest room.  I went to bed as well and noticed that I didn't see his phone anywhere. So when I called it it started ringing from the guest room where he was passed out bare assed.  Curiosity got the best of me so i took his phone and decided to got through it.  Imagine my surprise when I discovered that the father of my child, the man who claimed he loved me everyday who wants to marry me had over 20 e-mails from Craig'sList hookers in his inbox....

...to be continued